Day 1 didn't work out as planned . . . Guess I shouldn't make plans. . . Second by second is how it needs to be for awhile!

Not so thin me won this round! Its going to be a battle and I KNOW that thin me will ultimately prevail! As stated in my previous blog I am going to try not to be so hard on myself. It will do more harm then good. I just need to realize that each second that passes is a new second to start fresh, to start new, and to make changes.

Not so thin me wants to beat the S#!T out of the people who brought in all the holiday treats that were taunting me in the break room at work. Every time I walked by I heard my name being called . . . Now this can pose a teensy tiny problem since I work for a mental health facility and a good majority of our clients do hear voices. It wasn't those kind of voices. Let me just be clear on that just in case anyone who is a licensed professional might be reading this. So at some point today I finally caved. Was I mad at myself? YES! Am I still mad at myself? YES! Will I move on make changes and win the battle? YES YES YES YES YES!! I am determined and I think that says a lot.

The reason I am sharing this is because I want to be held accountable and if I share it with others it makes it all that much easier. I am not proud of this moment or what happened yesterday but I am proud that I am being accountable and taking responsibility for my actions. No one forced me down, help my mouth open, and poured the sugar filled sweets down my throat. I made the decision to eat them. I made the choice and that in and of itself is progress because I didn't go unconscious and all of a sudden realize I was eating something I didn't want to. I feel progress, even the smallest thing, is still progress and now I just build upon that.

I have attached a picture of Marianne Williamson's A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendoring Your Weight Forever because some of the terminology (not so thin me and thin me) come from this book. I am part of a group of some AMAZING women, who are working together and supporting each other in a safe non judgmental place, who individually and yet as a team will beat the monsters that plague us regarding eating, food, weight etc. I believe I have met all these women for a reason and I feel blessed that they have come into my life. I have and will continue to learn from each one of them and will take the knowledge, wisdom, and advice they share along the way on my own journey. I know it is an individual journey but I am just glad to know they are there to hold my hand when I need to feel safe! Thank you Ladies!

So as the title of this particular blog says . . . Second by Second! This, RIGHT NOW, is a new start!

Why can't it just be "because I love myself"

I was driving home from The Loop today after finishing up my Christmas shopping and realized I had bought a box of Whoopers. I was eating them and when I realized I was doing this thought to myself "I really don't want these". I knew if they were anywhere in arms reach I would continue to eat them so I decided to throw them out the window. Part of me then felt bad for littering but I have to pick my battles! So on the way home I thought to myself that it would be highly beneficial for me if I stopped eating sweets, including but not limited too chocolate, cookies, cakes, ice creams, 100 calorie sweet snacks etc. Last time I went without sweets for a week was 2 Artist's Way workshops ago for deprivation week. I had a reason and I was accountable so I did it. It was hard and I hated some moments of it, but I was successful. So initially my thought went to whats a good reason to stop eating sweets. New Years resolutions came to mind but I didn't want to attach it to that because I have a bad track record of breaking those. So then I thought about the upcoming Artist's Way workshop. Then out of the blue, smacking me in the face, which it NEEDED to do because apparently I wasn't paying attention, I had a thought. . . "why can't it be because I love myself??" It NEEDS to be because I love myself. That is the BEST reason to do things, to make decisions and changes that are healthy, supportive, and beneficial to yourself . . . BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF!! So because I love myself, I will be refraining from eating sweets. I am not placing a time limit or any limits or boundaries on it for that matter because , well lets face it, limits and boundaries are meant to be crossed and I don't want to set myself up for failure. I am going to be gentle with myself and not come down too hard if I "slip" because I am committed to the process. . . Because, for no other reason, I LOVE MYSELF!!