I have so much in my mind that I want to write but have no idea where to begin. I want to apologize in advance to my readers if this post seems kinda schizophrenic. I am going to just write so I can get it all out. Who knows what directions this will take me in. Lets start with the first thing that pops into my mind . . . Ok. I got it!
So I was driving home from work today and decided to call my mother because I hadn't returned her calls for 2 days. I wasn't ignoring her on purpose. I have just not been sleeping well (will discuss more of that later) and I was sleeping by 7pm last night. So we are having a conversation, the basic hi, how are you's and stuff like that. She tells me that she is going to go on a cruise to Alaska with her best friend which I am genuinely excited about for her. Conversation is going well. I should have hung up then. But instead I decided to share with my mother more about my life because she complains that I don't share enough with her. . . Clearly I was reminded tonight the REASON for that! I tell her that I made a decision. I tell her that I was excited because normally I have to consult 1 million people before coming to a conclusion, but this decision I thought about and made on my own. Anyone could tell by the sound of my voice that I was proud of myself. With the information shared I expected a "great job" or "I'm proud of you" but what I got was not along those lines what I got was "Don't get mad if I ask you a question". Now, when someone says "Don't get mad" the reason they are saying it is because on some level they know what they are about to say will upset you. Saying "don't get mad" almost assures the person will do just the opposite of not getting mad. So she asks her question and I give my answer and then she starts talking. . . Normally this is the point where I check out in the conversation because I am in fact MAD, but I decided to listen to what she had to say. The information she was giving me was relevant and she was making some great points HOWEVER what I took from it was this. . . Nothing I ever do will be good enough for my mother! It makes me sad to say this but this is how I feel. If its not one things its another. Now the relationship I have with her has grown and improved over time but I am just continuously made aware that I have more work to do in this area.
***Side note:I had about 2 amazing paragraphs typed out that I lost. I am a little pissed right now. I am not going to try to recreate it because the words will not come to me in the same sequence and I am sure the tone will now be different. So for this topic I will just end with this.
Another thing on my mind lately is the fact that I haven't been sleeping well. Some nights I toss and turn and wake up wide eyed at 2am. I throw my little tantrum (yes I kick and scream to let out the energy) then I try to go back to sleep. I have also been having some really weird/odd dreams. Sometimes pieces of it make sense and sometimes I wake up thinking WTF! Last night I couldn't sleep and was playing Angry Birds in bed and the concept of the game totally made its way into my dream. I was tired this morning but that made me laugh.
I feel like my mind has been in overdrive lately. There is something going on inside this brain of mine. I am processing through some stuff which on one hand is great but on the other its not because it is really affecting my sleep. I should totally be sleeping right now but I have wanted to write for such a long time and if the words are flowing I might as well take advantage of it. Because this is deprivation week for Creative Soulcare, I am not watching TV which offers me more time for my creative endeavors. I would probably be numbed out in front of the TV right now instead of getting the words out. Getting this out may help my brain calm down some. **fingers crossed**.
Since I brought it up, lets talk about Creative Soulcare (formerly known as The Artists Way). This workshop has helped to creative the artist I am today. When I took my first workshop calling myself an Artist wasn't even a thought in my mind. Today my artist has a name (Sunflower Lily) and I have sold 5 paintings. Saying that is still pretty surreal. What this workshop has helped me do is unblock my creative mind and has allowed me to grow in ways a person can only dream of. I wouldn't trade in any of the moments I have experienced for all the money in the world . . . well that's actually a lot of money. I might have to consider it! Anywho my point is that the growth experiences I have experienced have taught me A LOT about myself. And while growth is good and a necessary part of life, it can also be overwhelming, tiring, and frustrating. I am in a current phase which is commonly known as resistance. I don't want to do the morning pages because there will be more self reflection and I am kinda over the self reflection stuff. I am just tired. Its a tiring process. It has benefited me tremendously, but I just need a break! I don't want to stop being creative, (I just laughed when I wrote that because me not being creative is like a dog not barking. . . It WILL happen), I just want to paint to just paint. Not necessarily learn something about myself that requires some action on my part to change if its something I don't like.
There is just a lot of changes going on within me that can be overwhelming at times. They are good changes. They are changes that needed to happen, but changes are changes and that in itself is an overwhelming thing. I feel like every day I am becoming a better person then I was the day before. That is my goal anyway. With this I also understand that some people might not understand or even like it. Because other people don't like change either. The changes going on with me have nothing to do with anyone else but I am not naive to think it won't affect others. There is only so much I can do to control that because I am no longer willing to hold myself back for other people. My goal is to keep moving forward. If moving forward means some people are left behind then that's what needs to happen. It sounds mean but it isn't. What it is, is FINALLY honoring myself and what I want and need. Putting myself before others. Some may call it selfish, and in essence it is, but selfish doesn't need to be a negative word.
Because this blog entry is turning into a short story I will say my final words. This weekend is p3 and I am going to angel. I am hoping to work through some of the many things that are jumbling around in my head. If there is any place to do it that is it. I look forward to spending some time with my p3 family! I always leave with new perspectives and insights that just add to my life. . . because that's what its all about. Adding to your life, making it better, moving forward, and continuing to Trust the Process!
So, How DO You Eat an Elephant?
12 years ago
