Have you ever wondered to yourself "Who is in the drivers seat"? You can identify that you aren't feeling like yourself and you just kind of "coast" through the day without really being present. Yesterday I was cranky for most of the day. I snapped at a client (immediately humbled myself and made amends), was feeling very sensitive, and had an intense experience with my emotions. I am trying to get away from say "I had a break down" or "I lost it" because that is not the truth. The truth is I experienced some emotions that felt very tense. **Hold please my mother is calling me** (Not too much time lapsed. I just got butt dialed! LOL) Ever since I have been out of the fog I spent so much of my life in I experience emotions at such a heightened level that it can become very uncomfortable. What happens to me is this, I feel an emotion and if I am not able to "talk myself down" then my thoughts spiral out of control and the negative thinking takes over. I can rationalize with myself saying that "I know this isn't true" or "that isn't true" but at that point I feel so connected to it it's hard to come back. The beautiful part, yes there is a beautiful part that I can recognize, is that I am able to reach out and talk about it instead of keeping it bottle up in my mind. Keeping it bottled up will definitely cause my thoughts to spin out of control and at the end I think either "I am going to die" or "No one loves me". There are a few others but those are the main two that surface for me. So, yesterday I had this part of me who was in the driver's seat. The part that is cranky, anxious, and negative. The part of me who feels everyone is going to abandon me and that no one loves me. I tried a few times to speak to those parts to validate their existence but for the most part they were still very present. I have to be honest a part of me, maybe my true genuine, connected self was grateful because it allowed me to have a connection with someone who is very important to me and who I love VERY much. As was said in our conversation "it was Divine". Today, I can be grateful for the way things played out and the outcomes that occurred. Deeper connections were created and that makes my heart happy. So, why do I still feel "off" today? A friend of mine at work commented and said that she can sense some sadness in me today. I didn't think of sadness until she said something. I haven't been able to really put my finger on exactly what it is and I know that I will gain some insight and clarity at some point. I know that I am tired, I know that I am experiencing some sciatica pain, and I know that I am not fully back in the driver's seat. Whatever the cause I don't feel like "me". I say "me" in quotes because all the parts of me that I am experiencing are ME. I am learning more about parts and to be honest it can all be a bit overwhelming. What I can also recognise is that is a "part" of me. I have had the tendency to go straight to being "overwhelmed" so then I can have a reason to "freak out" or avoid whatever is going on. Today I chose to do things a little differently. I definitely still have times where I engage in avoidance behaviors (My most favorite at this time is spending hours and hours watching The L Word.) and I am also pretty dedicated to the self growth/insight/awareness process. For today, I am going to meet myself where I am at. I have p3 this weekend and am sure that I will be able to gain some clarity/insight. I look forward to the healing these weekends bring.
I would like to take a moment to show some love to a person who brightens my world and helps me feel safe, loved, and supported on a daily basis. This amazing individual SHOWS up in ways no one has ever shown up for me. They know how much I love them because I say/show it all the time. I just wanted to put some energy into words here so everyone (or all of you reading this) can know.
For those of you reading this, here is my wish for you. . . I wish for you clarity on the own inner workings of your being and I wish for you connections with people who help you feel consistently safe, loved, and supported. I also wish for you bright, sunny, happy days, beautiful memories, warm embraces, and laughter. LOTS AND LOTS OF LAUGHTER!
So, as I end this post, I can recognize experiencing some anxiety. I am going to go check in with this anxiety and see where it takes me . . .
