Day 1 didn't work out as planned . . . Guess I shouldn't make plans. . . Second by second is how it needs to be for awhile!

Not so thin me won this round! Its going to be a battle and I KNOW that thin me will ultimately prevail! As stated in my previous blog I am going to try not to be so hard on myself. It will do more harm then good. I just need to realize that each second that passes is a new second to start fresh, to start new, and to make changes.

Not so thin me wants to beat the S#!T out of the people who brought in all the holiday treats that were taunting me in the break room at work. Every time I walked by I heard my name being called . . . Now this can pose a teensy tiny problem since I work for a mental health facility and a good majority of our clients do hear voices. It wasn't those kind of voices. Let me just be clear on that just in case anyone who is a licensed professional might be reading this. So at some point today I finally caved. Was I mad at myself? YES! Am I still mad at myself? YES! Will I move on make changes and win the battle? YES YES YES YES YES!! I am determined and I think that says a lot.

The reason I am sharing this is because I want to be held accountable and if I share it with others it makes it all that much easier. I am not proud of this moment or what happened yesterday but I am proud that I am being accountable and taking responsibility for my actions. No one forced me down, help my mouth open, and poured the sugar filled sweets down my throat. I made the decision to eat them. I made the choice and that in and of itself is progress because I didn't go unconscious and all of a sudden realize I was eating something I didn't want to. I feel progress, even the smallest thing, is still progress and now I just build upon that.

I have attached a picture of Marianne Williamson's A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendoring Your Weight Forever because some of the terminology (not so thin me and thin me) come from this book. I am part of a group of some AMAZING women, who are working together and supporting each other in a safe non judgmental place, who individually and yet as a team will beat the monsters that plague us regarding eating, food, weight etc. I believe I have met all these women for a reason and I feel blessed that they have come into my life. I have and will continue to learn from each one of them and will take the knowledge, wisdom, and advice they share along the way on my own journey. I know it is an individual journey but I am just glad to know they are there to hold my hand when I need to feel safe! Thank you Ladies!

So as the title of this particular blog says . . . Second by Second! This, RIGHT NOW, is a new start!

Why can't it just be "because I love myself"

I was driving home from The Loop today after finishing up my Christmas shopping and realized I had bought a box of Whoopers. I was eating them and when I realized I was doing this thought to myself "I really don't want these". I knew if they were anywhere in arms reach I would continue to eat them so I decided to throw them out the window. Part of me then felt bad for littering but I have to pick my battles! So on the way home I thought to myself that it would be highly beneficial for me if I stopped eating sweets, including but not limited too chocolate, cookies, cakes, ice creams, 100 calorie sweet snacks etc. Last time I went without sweets for a week was 2 Artist's Way workshops ago for deprivation week. I had a reason and I was accountable so I did it. It was hard and I hated some moments of it, but I was successful. So initially my thought went to whats a good reason to stop eating sweets. New Years resolutions came to mind but I didn't want to attach it to that because I have a bad track record of breaking those. So then I thought about the upcoming Artist's Way workshop. Then out of the blue, smacking me in the face, which it NEEDED to do because apparently I wasn't paying attention, I had a thought. . . "why can't it be because I love myself??" It NEEDS to be because I love myself. That is the BEST reason to do things, to make decisions and changes that are healthy, supportive, and beneficial to yourself . . . BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF!! So because I love myself, I will be refraining from eating sweets. I am not placing a time limit or any limits or boundaries on it for that matter because , well lets face it, limits and boundaries are meant to be crossed and I don't want to set myself up for failure. I am going to be gentle with myself and not come down too hard if I "slip" because I am committed to the process. . . Because, for no other reason, I LOVE MYSELF!!

Mr. P. Cock

Original piece by Sunflower Lily Mr. P. Cock has made his debut on canvas.

Updated list of books I have read to date

Who knew that I would ever enjoy reading!

P3 Weekend

This past weekend is hard to put into words. I have never felt so much warmth, compassion, support, kindness, and connection in one room. EVERYONE who was in that room brought something special to my weekend and I thank you for that! I am so foggy and exhausted but I feel so ALIVE! It was definitely worth it. I know there is more work to do but I know it will get done. I will be going back to be an angel for the next group of students that come in. I had a hard time not having my therapist/helper hat on while I was a student, so this gives me the chance to take on that role while still working on myself. There is so much I want to say about my experience but I just cant seem to find the words. Phrases like, more then I expected, and nothing like I expected keep coming to my mind. I think you have to experience the weekend to understand how difficult it is to describe the feelings and emotions I am experiencing right now. I learned that I am a lot stronger then I thought I was and that determination is a major quality that I posses. I learned some things that seem like they should be so obvious, but obviously they weren't. I learned you can form a connection with someone without even having to say a word and I learned that joining the P3 family was meant to be. I met some amazing individuals that I am sure will turn into amazing friendships. I spent time with friends and this just brought us closer. When I am having a bad/stressful day I can close my eyes and I now have a new happy place to go to in my mind. I still get the chills when I think about it and it brings a smile to my face. I think the most important lesson is that I AM NOT ALONE! OK well maybe that is the second most important lesson. The MOST important lesson is that I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF FOR EXACTLY WHO I AM! . . . "I" . . . (That was my 100%!)

Alone with myself

As I have mentioned on many other occasions I am taking an Artists Way workshop. This week is deprivation week. It is supposed to help us to be less distracted from our own creativity and potential for creative endeavors. The thing I decided to deprive myself of for the week is listening to the radio while in the car. To some that might not sound like a big feat but for someone who spends at least 1.5hrs in the car commuting on a daily basis that is a long time. last night was the first night and it went by without a hitch, this morning was a little more difficult and tonight on the way home was the hardest. I had what might be described as a very challenging day that just kept getting worse and worse and ended with me having to try to catch a wasp that was flying around my house in a Tupperware container so I could throw its ass outside!I would like to report that I won and the wasp lost! I also go to paint out some of my feelings which was a nice release but some of them are still trapped inside of me. I am afraid of what might come out tomorrow morning in the car on the way to work when its just me and my thoughts. I think me and my thoughts are headed to bed. At least sleeping I cant think . . . Well there is always dreaming!

Such a good release

Today was a good day. I did exactly what I wanted to do and that was stay in my house and just relax. I watched TV for most of the day and thoroughly enjoyed it. It is exactly what I needed. I ended up watching The Notebook. I had read the book but never saw the movie. I have always heard it is a great movie and one that guarantees a cry. I guess I needed a good cry because I decided to watch the movie. It did make me cry and I guess I needed a good cry because afterwards I felt so refreshed. Sometimes you just need a release like a good cry. You would be surprised how much you hold in without even knowing it. I didn't think anything was bothering me but by the way I feel now after the cry it was obvious something was camping out inside me. It is released now and that is such a wonderful feeling! I always say if you feel like crying cry! Let it out! Think of it as a release of energy and you can only feel better afterwards.

Deep breaths

Sometimes I just feel like I need to breathe and step back a little to re-evaluate a situation or situations for that matter. I realize that sometimes things just really do have nothing to do with me. I don't feel like the world revolves around me by any means but I think that I sometimes internalize things that I don't need to. I am going to make this a priority to work on. If I haven't done anything then I am not going to take responsibility for other peoples feelings/behaviors/thoughts etc.

Sometimes I wonder why it takes so long to realize these kinds of things. I guess it really is all just a learning lesson and a continuation of the growing process. I have been on this journey for over a year now. Learning so much about who I am and what I like and while it can be hard at times I am enjoying the process. I will continue on my journey and trust the process!

Drawing a blank

I am sitting here trying to think of what to write and nothing is coming to mind. I figure if I just keep typing and typing something will come to me. Who knows what will come from my mind through these fingers. I wanted to be able to blog nightly but it will be an issue if I am unable to come up with things to write about. Even now I have to idea what to say. Maybe its just a bad night. I do have a headache and its been a long day so maybe that is the problem. I think instead of forcing this tonight I am going to head to bed. Goodnight and sweet dreams!

Gotta get back in the swing of things

Havent been blogging for awhile and I want to get back into the swing of things. Every night at least a few sentences. For tonight, you get three and only three!

Finally home

I want to tell my story of the travel experiences I have had in the last few days but I finally got home and am exhausted. I have been traveling ALL day. I think my body is so exhausted but I am awake at the same time. Its a good thing I took tomorrow off too! Once I have a good nights sleep I will write the story of my adventure :) Until then, Goodnight and Sweet dreams!

Who Moved My Cheese?

I just read this book. I was looking at the shelves and shelves of my mothers books and came across this one. **side note, I think she has a book addiction but when it comes to addictions that's not a bad one to have. Now I know why I LOVE spending time in book stores** Its short and a very easy read and something I would recommend to EVERYONE. At some point in your life, if not right now, you will be going through change whether it is in your career or personal life. This book helps to put dealing with that change in a whole knew perspective. I wish I would have read it sooner. Its a very cute story with a very powerful message!

As I am writing this I realized that I wanted to blog about all the books I have read so I could look back to see what I read in a year. I guess I fell off that wagon. I will have to work on a blog when I get back to capture the many novels I have been a part of. That is one thing I really enjoy about reading. You do become part of the story. You can empathize with some characters and want to yell at others. It is a journey through your imagination and sometimes that is the best place to be! Happy Reading!

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali

Leaving for my trip soon. Getting excited. The flight is going to be so long but I am sure I will sleep some. I wanted to post something now because I probably won't when I get there because I will be exhausted with the time change. Hopefully I will be able to continue to blog each night. I will be trying my best. Can't let my 6 or 7 followers down :) LOL (I love EACH and EVERY one of you who read my stuff and who find me remotely entertaining)

Ok folks its time to leave. Will update with all the entertaining conversations I will be having this trip! Updating more like VENTING! LOL! Wish me luck!!

Day before my trip

. . . well night actually. I just got home not too long ago. Tonight was my Artists Way workshop. I have a whole new love and respect for Wednesday nights. I get to see some of my favorite people and have amazing soul enriching conversations. There is just a sense of peace and calm with these workshops. Tonight I was asked to describe myself as an object. The first thing that came to my mind was a spinning top. There is a lot going on. Not necessarily bad stuff, but a lot of stuff. I feel like I am going a million miles a minute and I am upright on my axis right now but at some point that momentum will stop and I will crash on my side. I just need to prepare myself for that so I can cushion the blow. A few days after I get back someone is coming to visit me who makes my heart smile. Then everything will be ok! Everything will be ok! Everything will be ok! Everything will be ok!

I should be packing

Ooh I just looked at the clock and it is 11:11. Quick make a wish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ok so back to it. I should be packing right now. I am going to visit my mother in a few days and have NOTHING in my suitcase yet. I spent most of this evening doing closing summaries for work. I didn't even make a dent in the amount of them that need to be completed. I can finish those when I get back but I wanted to be able to turn some in. I want to be able to start the new month COMPLETELY caught up. Looks like that isn't going to happen but I am pretty damn close. That is all I can hope for nowadays. Some days at work I find it difficult to keep sane let alone do notes or any of the other paperwork, phone calls, or emails that are required. Yes I am complaining but I really do love my job. Anyone who knows me knows that. I love working with the clients . . . well most of them! (haha) Anyways so back to the point, I am supposed to be packing. I really don't like it so hence the procrastination. I am getting home late tomorrow night because of The Artists Way workshop so I wont be able to do much then. I should have been done with it tonight. I am going to do my best not to stress over it, but if I know myself the stress will rear its ugly head. That's usually whats at the tail end of procrastination and I am the queen bee of that! Anyhoo I am exhausted so I am going to bed. But first I have to throw my empty suitcase on the floor!

Today . . .

was a long day. Some drama went down at work that could have, no let me rephrase, SHOULD have been handled differently and more efficiently. On a positive note no one was physically hurt so that is good.

I want to write more but I am exhausted! I think its time to go to sleep. Hopefully more inspirational or at least entertaining blogs to come in the future :)

It begins here

I am reading this book called The Happiness Project and I am loving it. There are so many changes I want to make in my own life to work towards improving my own happiness. I consider myself a pretty happy person but who doesnt want to be happier right? One thing I would like to do is start to write on my blog nightly. Even if it is only a few sentences. Just sharing how my day was, or a funny story, or insights and awarenesses I might have had. I think this will be good for me and my happiness and for my creativity. Now I am not trying to set myself up for failure. There might be nights where I dont write and that is ok. I am learning not be be so hard on myself and to give myself some slack too. My goal, or my resolution that is (read the book to learn more) is to write nightly. I will be talking more about the book and things I would like to incorporate into my own life in future blogs. I am hoping this is interesting to those that follow me, but to be honest I am doing this for myself. I think it is so improtant for people to do things to make themselves happy instead of trying to find it from an outside source. Not to say that its not good to gain happiness from outside sources too. I am just realizing that if I make myself happy I am more apt to accept and appreciate happiness from others. One of Gretchen Rubin's (author of The Happiness Project) Splendid Truths is "One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself". See I care about all of you too! I am just looking forward to this journey and to all the information I will learn about myself and others and to the growth that will take place. Its all about happiness folks! Goodnight and Be Happy!

Late night thoughts. . .I really should be sleeping

I just thought it has been awhile since I have written anything. I think about coming on here all the time and then I get distracted. I think of amazing, inspirational, sometimes thought provoking things to say and then I sit down to write and cue the crickets! Its like my brain is a child going "No! I don't wanna!" Sometimes I think I am afraid of what my fingers will type but then other times my mind just goes blank. I do want to start writing more often. I want to start writing more poetry and sharing things about my life, and the books I am reading, and the friends I have, and how much I love my job some days and hate it the next! I want to get it all out so the energy doesn't build up inside of me. Always good to release it in whatever medium you choose. My mediums happen to be creative ones. I started to do Artistic Journaling (original piece shown above) and FELL IN LOVE WITH IT!! I hope the fact that I used CAPS gets my point across! I love it. It is such a great way to express yourself. I have a spiral bound art notebook that I am creating. More pictures to come. Even if I work on a piece for a few minutes or a few hours it is an instant stress relief. It brings me a calm. I feel in sync with my life and what is going on at that time. Even when I was upset and angry I worked on one and felt so much better. It doesnt matter the mood I am in. I am so grateful for the workshops I have been taking called The Artists Way! I have learned so much about myself, myself as an artist, and art itself. Artistic Journalism was something taught to me during the last workshop. It has open my horizons further then I ever thought was possible! My inner artist is alive and I LOVE that feeling! <3

Time to practice what I "teach" . . . and the word for the day is SUCKED!

Today. What can I say about today? Today well SUCKED! Plain and simple. No elegant words to describe the events that took place today the word SUCKED will do just fine. I just decided as I capitalized the SUCKED that whenever I decide to use that word in this blog it will be capitalized. Gotta show emphasis here! Ok so back to today, the day that SUCKED! I woke up this morning with a headache. I should have known then it was a day to stay in bed. I felt like I should have been well rested and without a headache since I fell asleep at like 8pm last night and then was up for maybe an hour and went right back to sleep. Nope! It didn't happen that way. I drive to work and receive a text message that pissed me off. It is something that hurt my feelings, however not intentionally but that is not the point. It never is. Clue #2 I should have stayed in bed. I go in and prepare myself for my Anger Management group. This group is filled with clients who not only have a severe and persistent mental illness that can cause symptoms including but not limited to paranoia, Auditory Hallucinations, Anxiety, and Delusions, but also who have an Anger management problem. **I have to insert a disclaimer here. I actually love my job and love the groups that I "teach". Some days are just harder then others.** So lets recap so far, I have a headache and I have received a message that hurt my feelings which led me to be pissed. So now I am going into this Anger Management group and things SEEM to be going just fine and dandy until after break. A client, who is normally very calm and rational, decides to not be calm and rational. Thankfully my supervisor was in there collecting satisfaction surveys so she could help to deescalate the situation. So client is taken out into the hallway and I have 6 pairs of eyes looking at me like "WTF just happened". But no one wants to talk about it because that would mean actually discussing your feelings! Clue #3. So lets fast forward to 1pm. My afternoon group is Stress Management. Seems like the perfect group for me to BE IN and NOT be "teaching" today **side note: in case you are wondering why I keep putting quotes around the word "teach" its because I am a counselor/therapist NOT a "teacher" yet that seems like what needs to be done in these groups** Ok so in I go to my Stress Management group, intern in tow to observe. We start off group with a check-in. Nothing new. Same thing we do EVERY week. First client to check in tells the group about side effects of his medication which is drowsiness. I present this to the group to see if they have any suggestions for him to help cope. Maybe that was my first mistake. One clients gives a suggestion that is appropriate however is something he has tried. Then *sigh* then this other clients speaks up. I feel like we should name him. Something appropriate and fitting. Something like "Attention Seeker". Yeah that's it. So "Attention Seeker" suggests this client suck on coca leaves. He then proceeds to inform the group what these leaves are used to make, with a smart ass smirk on his face of course. So essentially he is suggesting that my client do drugs to stay awake! My reaction, because as per the above mentioned information I am obviously on top of my game today, is "really! Are you serious?" **Probably not my finest moment. So I proceed to inform the group that I am looking for APPROPRIATE suggestions. Didn't realize I needed to lead off with that. Lesson learned!! "Attention Seeker" starts to giggle in the corner. Now because I STILL have a headache, have residual pissedoffness **made up word, you can steal it if you want** from the text and client incident in Anger Management, my level of patience is at ZERO! **Another side note: Here's some irony for you. For the last several weeks in my Mood&Anxiety group we have been talking about patience** I end it there and move on. "Attention Seeker" is talking while other clients are trying to check in and smirking in the corner because he KNOWS he is doing it on purpose and he has pushed my buttons. Ok so several other attention seeking behaviors were presented from "Attention Seeker" including telling me how he feels, his side effects from his medications, and current symptoms experienced are all "hysterical". Yeah hysterical funny man!! I am about to flip my lid at this point. I think the term is called "Going Postal"! Clients 1 Therapist 0. That is Clue #4! So now its break time and I head directly to my supervisors office. Do NOT pass go, Do Not collect $200. At this point in the story I would like to thank all those involved in helping me to keep my sanity. You know who you are! So I get the pep talk I need and go back to group all pumped and feeling good about squashing "Attention Seeker's" behaviors and guess who comes back acting like a little freaking angel! That pissed me off too! WTF! Ok so lets fast forward to 6pm when I want to FINALLY go home. I shut everything down, collect me things, lock my office, walk to the door and its POURING and I give you ONE just ONE guess where my umbrella is. It is where an umbrella should be on a rainy day MY TRUNK! Clue #5! **Deep Breath, Deep Breath** Now on any other occasion I would have gone back to my office, turned on my computer and gotten some work done, however because this day SUCKED I wanted to get out of there. So I SUCKED it up and walked to my car in the pouring rain. Now just to make me feel even better about this day it slowed down the minute I got to my car! **sigh** Clue #6!

Now that is a LONG story just to lead up to the real reason for this blog. Yes folks theres more :). I decided that because the day SUCKED I needed some comfort. Comfort for me is usually food. Chinese food. I feed my feelings. When I'm mad I eat. When I'm sad I eat. When I'm happy I eat. I eat eat eat eat eat. *sigh* this is not painting me in a good light. . . Anyway so the decision was made to stop by my FAVORITE Chinese food place and get an order of Honey Chicken YUMMMMMMMMMMY! Now I am in my car driving home in the rain and my brain goes to thinking. Sometimes this can be dangerous. What my brain came up with today is this. . . Feelings should be felt, NOT fed! This is something that I have been trying to learn forever. Coming from a person who has always fed her feelings this is a difficult concept to grasp. I decided that it was up to me to change my behaviors **Acceptance and Change happened to be the topic of Stress Management group** Not that this is the first time I have thoughts this. I figured I need to think it and try it until I get it. I want to get it and do it now! So ultimately I passed the Chinese food restaurant, came home and ate something from the freezer for dinner. Doesn't seem like a big deal to most BUT it was a HUGE deal for me especially because today, everybody say it with me . . .SUCKED!!

Guilt trips . . . I don't want to go on them anymore!

I wanted to be in bed by 9pm tonight. With one phone call that dream ended. I know that sounds kinda dramatic but that's how it felt. I ended up on the treadmill for 30 minutes which I will admit is a good thing but now it is 11:40pm and I am still up. I just wish that I could get out from under all the guilt that continues to be sent my way. It mostly brings up childhood stuff that I thought I have worked through but apprently I need to do more work in that area. Work work work . . . It never ends! Ugh!

Happiness . . . A Poem

April is National Poetry Month. I decided that I want to start writing poetry again. I used to write a lot but it was mostly when I was depressed and unhappy about everything. I have found that I stop writing or I find it difficult to write when I am happy and my life is going well. I want to break that cycle. I want to express my happiness in poetry and not just my depression and sadness. I am going to try to write something on the spot so we'll see what we get. . .

Happiness . . . A poem

A smile on my face
A kiss and a warm embrace
Sleeping in on a rainy Saturday morning
Spreading my wings, exploring, and soaring
Friends who are always by your side
Family who support you when you cried
Coloring, drawing, painting, and art
Loving your job and feeling smart
Helping others and not forgetting about yourself
Taking care of your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual self
Watching and singing along with your favorite movie (Grease)
Going back to the 70's, throwing up peace signs and saying "groovy"
Listening to kids giggling
Realizing the only word that rhymes is wiggling
Wiggling where you are while typing this poem
Smiling because its fun and you showed'em
That a poem while happy can be written
It probably helps that I am currently quite smitten <3



Well there you have it. A poem on the spot! I am glad I tried and gave it a shot! Haha! I just can't stop! I am excited to start writing again. I can't wait to see where this takes me!

Most recent artwork

We are ARTISTS

This was one of the first works by Sunflower Lily. I created this for the amazing spirited individuals from my Artists Way workshop. I wanted to give them something to remember the group but I also thought that I wanted to continue to keep us all connected. So I created the masterpiece pictured above . . . is masterpiece too much?? . . . Nah! I didn't think so either!! Each tile has a letter that spells out We are Artists. Because each person in that group IS AN ARTIST!! Each person(there was 12 of us which was very convenient or this may have been synchronicity at work) chose which piece of the artwork they wanted to keep. So essentially we are all part of a collective whole which is creativity itself! Each person now has a Sunflower Lily original.

I had such a great time painting it and an even better time showing it to the group. As I am sitting here writing this I can picture back to that Friday morning. The energy that was felt in that room gave me the chills it was so powerful. Some amazing things happened in that group and to the fabulous creatives that were a part of it. I will never forget those that I shared those 8 weeks with. There was so much warmth and growth and just amazing energy in that room coming from all those people. We were all meant to be in that group together. I look forward to the next time I see each and every one of them because I know our journey is not yet over! Continue searching! Continue Growing! Continue Creating!

Sunflower Lily

The other day I had an amazing idea. Of course it came to me where all great ideas form . . . In the shower! So I was getting ready to go to my Artists Way workshop(which I absolutely LOVE and am sad its ending). I was thinking about being an artist and how great it is to be comfortable calling myself one. I have the workshop to thank for that! Anyway all these thoughts are running through my mind and all of a sudden Sunflower Lily came to mind. The inner hippie in me has said that I want to name my daughter Sunflower Lily and all my friends tell me not to do that to my child. Well I am naming my child Sunflower Lily . . . My inner artist child! Its a name that I love and that has meaning to me so what a perfect name. After this thought a flood of others came to mind one being that I would use it as a pen name. You know how some writers write under a "fake" name, well I am going to paint under the name Sunflower Lily! I am excited to embark on this journey as Amanda and as Sunflower Lily. Being an artist is AMAZING!!

P.s. When I have pictures I will post my first creations as Sunflower Lily!

A journey through books I have read . . . and the classics I want to read.

I just spent the last hour searching for a list of "100 books you should read before you die" and there are a lot of lists out there. How do I know which one to pick? While pondering this, I decided that for now I would just make a list of the books I have read. I got this idea from someone in my Artists Way workshop. (Thank you. You know who you are!) I am starting with what I have read this year. I might try to tackle the challenge of attempting to remember the ones I have read in previous years but not at almost 2am . . . I really should be sleeping right now . . . and I'm back on topic!

And the list is as follows . . . although if you looked at the pictures at the beginning of this post you would already know what they are . . .

1. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
2. The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls
3. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

I am currently reading Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. I just started this one last night. . .

Here is how this little book reading journey began. Last night I was in Barnes&Nobles with some friends just browsing books. I came across the shelf in the middle of the isle with the classic books on it. I started reading through some of the titles and realized that I haven't read any of the classics. I decided at that moment that I wanted to read some classic novels. I will make no guarantee that I will read the top 100 but I will read some that are on the top of my list which include: Pride and Prejudice, Little Women, War and Peace, Wuthering Heights, The Art of War, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and The Great Gatsby. There are more that I am sure will be added to this list. I look forward to reading them, if only to say that I did. Anyone who wants to join me on this journey let me know!

Inner Critic - Are you ever going away?

Tonight brought some clarity and insight into my life. Actually this whole week has. Something just manifested itself and made a switch in my head. I attend a support group for recently graduated counselors and while processing with the group (who are some of my favorite people I might add)I came to the realization that I put WAY too much pressure on myself. There always seems to be this underlying theme of needing to be perfect or needing things that I do to be perfect. On a conscious level I know I am far from perfect and I am ok with that. But things always come up and that inner critic rears its ugly head. I was talking about some experiences I have had during my counseling sessions and told them that I tend to second guess myself about things. I wonder if what I said was appropriate or if I should use more caution with self disclosures or blah blah blah . . . I am always doing that. Then when I talk with someone else about it I always get validation that what I did was fine. Why is it so difficult to validate myself? I know hands down that I am a good counselor . . . dare I say a GREAT one . . . so why? *sigh* Maybe that critic is there to teach me. To teach me more about who I am as a person, an artist, and a counselor. Maybe it is there to keep my on my toes or to help me prove to myself that I am good at what I do and to be strong to fight against it. This inner critic is there in a lot of aspects of my life and I am just now realizing that. Knowledge is power and I intend to use it to gain further insight into myself. Sometimes this process can be a scary one. Sometimes I want to run in the other direction and sometimes I want to face it head on. I teach my clients all kinds of tools to help them gain insight into themselves and their lives and how to cope with things that come up. Just today as we were talking about change, I shared with them 2 quotes. The first being "The only constant in life is change" and the second "Trust the Process" . . . That is what I will continue to do! I say I want this critic to go away, but if it is there to allow me to learn and grow then it can stay for a bit. Just don't unpack your bags! I'm in the process of evicting your ass!!

An Amanda Original

I have mentioned this workshop I am taking called The Artists Way. It is helping me to further get in touch with my inner creative, my artist child. This workshop is something I look forward to every single week. I am learning A LOT about myself and it is helping me blossom and grow into an even more amazing woman (Yeah I said it, I am AMAZING!!). One of the assignments is to take yourself on an artist date. Basically an artist date is 1-2 hours of alone time spent nourishing your creative consciousness, your inner artist. Its a time to do something you WANT to do NOT something you think you SHOULD do. Its a time to let your artist child have FUN! I have taken myself on several artists dates, walking around Micheals, going to Sam Flax, spending some time in Spiral Circle/Avalon/Cassadega, going to the beach, just to name a few. Well last Tuesday I decided I wanted to create something. I didn't have anything specific in mind but I decided the medium I wanted to use was painting. All I knew was that I sat down in front of my canvas with happiness in my heart and a smile on my face (see previous post for the reason). I picked colors and just started to paint. I had no idea what was going to be created but I was excited to see what the finished product would look like. Now some may ask "Amanda, why haven't you painted on canvas before?" To all of you wondering here is why. It all comes down to one word . . . perfectionism and fear.(Ok. Ok so that is two words) I have come to realize that I was afraid that if I painted on canvas it "wouldn't be good enough", I would "mess up", or it just wouldn't be "perfect". Then I would have wasted my time and money. Well NOT ANYMORE! Because I AM AN ARTIST! I am no longer afraid of it. I will live by the quote "Don't erase a mistake, make it beautiful"! Everything I create is art. It doesn't matter if anyone else likes it because it is for me and not them! My art is to nourish my inner artist, my creative child and to feed my creative spirit!

"Life Isn't About Finding Yourself, It's About Creating Yourself"

No Expectations = Giddiness

Kissing is like dancing in the rain; it is an exciting kind of sensation that you can't help but fall in love with.


**sigh** (In a good way) Its nice when an experience comes along that just reminds you of how things can be. A recent lesson I have learned that has proven extremely valuable for me is to go into things with zero expectations. Today's Expectations are Future Resentments/Disappointments! I think it is unrealistic to think that I will be able to go into everything with no expectations but so far it has worked for me. I came home last night with a smile on my face and woke up today with a smile on my face even though I was tired as can be (it was REALLY past my bed time). It was such a great feeling. I haven't felt that way in a really long time. I almost started to lose hope that I would anytime soon, but see where having no expectations comes in handy. This feeling I am referring to is giddiness. Now with the help of my lovely best friend I have a definition for you: Noun: (n) giddiness, silliness (an impulsive scatterbrained manner) . . . yep! That was me all day! I’m thinking it may last a little while. At least I hope it does. Another thing I have learned is to hold onto the good feelings for as long as you can. Cherish those moments. Try to be able to picture them in your mind so if/when needed you can go back to that place. I will always remember the people who have put smiles on my face, regardless of the overall outcome. These moments and smiles and laughs are the important things in life!

Here we go . . .

So it's 10:41pm on a Saturday night and I am home creating a blog. Think what you must, but I am choosing to be where I am right now. I decided to create this blog with inspiration from someone I am taking a workshop with. This particular workshop is called The Artists Way. It is all about rediscovering and nourishing my inner creative and my inner child for that matter. I thought why not have this as a creative outlet as well. I don't know what will become of this. I don't know how often I will post, but I do know that I am looking forward to my journey. I only see my life going in amazing directions from here on out and this just happens to be one stop on that journey. I look forward to all I will learn and how much I will grow. If no one decides to read this blog, it will be ok. I am doing this for myself! If someone would like to follow me on my journey I welcome the company! Just remember to, like the title of my blog states, be prepared for some randomness and butterflies!