A year of my heart smiling

It all started one year ago today (2.8.11). Today is the day Jason (the very handsome man in the picture) and I met for the first time. Going into the meeting I had no expectations (see second or third blog post). When I met him I was instantly attracted to him physically (that smile sucked me in) and then I found out he was funny! Funny is so sexy to me. Make me laugh and I am hooked. Well Jason did make me laugh and continues to do so each and every day. Along with his humor, I have learned that this man is one of the most supportive, genuine, caring, strong, independent, and understanding people I have ever met. Maybe most people would say this about the person they are in a relationship with but it truly is true about him. Oh, he is really patient and accepting too. We all know that I am a bundle of emotions and crying comes along with all of them, he accepts it all and is patient to "wait it out" (my words, not his) until I am feeling better. Now I also know he hasn't always been this way (so I have been informed) and I feel very fortunate to have met him at a time in both of our lives when it was just right. Over the last several years I have done a lot of personal growth, made some very significant changes, and made some very difficult decisions, and come to some conclusions about who I am, what I am, and what I am willing to take into my life. The reason to bring this up is because if Jason and I had met several years ago I don't think it would be working out as well as it is. Well let me rephrase, it would NOT be working out the way it is. I continuously work on being a better Amanda then I was the day before and I know that he does the same . . . well of course he is working on being a better Jason (Ok, that made me laugh. If you didn't then I recognize that "Sometimes they all can't be winners"!). My heart smiles every time I think about him (which is often in case you couldn't figure that one out)and every time we talk. Because it is a long distance relationship I am somewhat "star struck" every time I see him. I still get butterflies in my belly when he is waiting for me at the airport or when I know he will be walking through the aisle from the terminal and I can run and wrap my arms around him. I am silly and weird, and sentimental and emotional, and I snort when I laugh sometimes. I have many many issues which, at times unexpectedly, rear their ugly heads from past hurts or childhood and throughout all of this he is there. He is there with an open heart and an attentive ear to listen and provide me with insights and support. And at the end of it all, the laughter and the tears, I get to crawl into his arms and feel safe and comforted and protected and warm. I am honored that he has chosen to spend this wonderful magnificent year getting to know me and allowing me into his life to get to know him. Here's to many many many many many (you get the idea) more years of warmth and comfort and support and laughter and lets not forget my tears (those babies aren't going anywhere LOL) and conversations and time together to continue to get to know each other and let our connection grow deeper then it already is. Here's to many many (ok same as before) more years of smiling hearts and butterflies in the belly. Jason, Happy 1yr anniversary of when we met <3 <3

And so my writing has begun

What is Poetry

Poetry is the innermost thoughts of your mind
It's the feelings and emotions
That can't be expressed in "normal" complete sentences
Poetry is words that the heart speaks
And words that speak to the heart
It is a language that many speak
And so many do not understand
Poetry is music to the ears
The rhythms and beats and sounds
It is words that rhyme
And some that don't
Poetry is an expression of the soul
Poetry is comfort and support and understanding
When you feel like no one is listening
Poetry is love that warms your heart
And the energy that flows through your veins
It is the air we breathe in
And the air we breathe out
Poetry is the words that flow through your hand
Into the pen and onto the paper
Poetry is inspiration
Poetry is the world
Poetry is you
Poetry is me
I am Poetry

2.4.11

A poem by Amanda circa 1997

A Dream Not Reality

I look out the window
And what do I See
A beautiful painting
Of you and me
Up in the sky
The colors so bright
I'm telling you
It was a wonderful sight
I see us hand in hand
I see us together forever
The picture is starting to fade
Oh now I remember
The picture I saw
Was only a dream
It was so real
Or yet it seemed
To make it really happen
To make my dream come true
It needs the effort of me
And not only me but you too
The only effort
Was on my part
So that made my dream
Have no hope from the start
I was blinded by love
So I didn't see
That this dream of mine
Only included me
If I had opened my eyes
And seen what was really there
I would have seen
That you didn't care
That all of the hope
And all of the faith
Wouldn't of helped me
In this case
Yet all it did
Was hurt me bad
And not only that
It made me real sad
Because I always thought
That you really loved me
But the picture I saw
Was a dream not reality

-Amanda Robinson

I want to start writing again

For the past week or so I have been really thinking a lot about writing. Writing poetry, writing on this blog, writing a book . . . It can happen! I just think that all my work with the Creative Soulcare workshops (formally called The Artist's Way) is opening me up to forms of creativity that once were alive inside my body. I used to write poetry ALL the time. Now we are talking years ago! Throughout the years I have written some things here and there but at some point along the way I stopped giving it a lot of energy. Well folks, the energy seems to be flowing through my veins and wants to make an appearance again. Now with all that said, I think part of me is scared to write again. All the same fears that once came with my art (painting, drawing etc.) are now rearing their ugly heads again. I want to work through these fears and not let it incapacitate me. I don't want it to be another 10 years before I write again. Sometimes you just have to look fear in the face and say "Get the $&%* out of my way!" And that is what I am going to do. I was looking at pictures to add to this post and when I saw the magnetic poetry one I knew that its new home would be on my blog. My fridge is full of magnetic poetry. I have little mini one and two liners all over. What I especially love about the picture is that right in the middle clear as day is the word "gift". And when I look at that word, I think what a gift it is for me to be able to express my creativity in so many different ways. What a gift it is that my passion for writing is coming back to me. Such a gift I have received. And now I share a gift with you. Here is a poem I wrote in 1995. Yes I know that was many many moons ago, but I want to pay my respects to where it all started. This is one of my favorites. I figured that my work from the past can inspire my future. I hope this inspires you . . .

I See Him

Looking across the room
I see him
Thinking about what we had
I see him
Feeling the sadness and pain
I see him
Here come the tears
I see him
Wishing it was like it was before
I see him
Wanting to tell him I love you
I see him
Crying because he wont look
I see him
Hoping he'll understand
I see him
Wanting it to be over
I see him
Wishing he felt the same
I see him
Wanting him back
I see him
I'm looking the other way
Because it hurts to see him


I would like to add here that a lot of the things I wrote in my teenage years was sad and depressing and about heartache and pain. I wrote a blog awhile ago wondering why I don't write when things are going well, when I am happy. Poetry is a form of expression and I think I used it to help get me through the hard times. To help comfort and support me. I feel like a lot of people use it in that way. I want to start writing to express all my emotions even the good ones. We'll see what comes out and what is created. I do know that I am looking forward to seeing my words written (and typed) again!