Serenity

Over the last few months, I have come to depend on the Serenity prayer for comfort and hope. I have been wearing a wristband every day for almost 3 months. . . Tonight that wristband broke and I cried. It wasn't a melt down cry but I am sad. I wore it as a reminder and it helped get me through some really tough days. What will I do now? A friend of mine, whose friendship I cherish, said to me that maybe its time for me to recognize that the serene feelings are within me and I don't need a wristband as a reminder. . . Gives me lots to think about.

Fear . . .

Isn't that quote so true! Fear seems to be a topic that comes up a lot in my life. I am sure I am not alone in this. I was talking to someone today and I realized that I am afraid that something is going to happen to negate all the hard work I have been putting into making my mind, body, and soul happier and healthier. I have a habit of sabotaging things when they get "too" good or feeling like its not "good enough" so I sabotage because it hits my "I'm not good enough" button. **I hate that damn button!!** The last 2-3 months have been a blessing and a struggle all at the same time. I have learned that I am strong willed and determined and willing . . . willingness has become something very important to me. I am willing. I am willing to do what it takes to make a happier me. Happiness is all I have ever wanted. I have never really put a face to it, meaning I have never really known exactly how happiness might look. Its a feeling inside the soul. Happiness is a coffee and conversation shared with a friend, a smile from a stranger, a thank you from a client who leave my office feeling better, the moments I am in Jason's arms, or the moments when its just me, my paint brush, and the canvas. Happiness is the phone calls to/from friends, new connections made, Thursday nights with the girls, and my non-fat Chai-tea latte from Starbucks **Yep I have crossed over to the dark side**. I guess my point in all this is that happiness is all around me and yet at times I feel so sad. I know sadness will never go away because it is a part of life but I feel like some of the sadness inside me doesn't need to be there anymore. Its shelf life has expired. Time to throw it away . . . or at least acknowledge its been there all these years, cry one last time to honor the feelings and the past, and then gently with compassion say my goodbye and continue on my journey of finding more happy moments. I guess something I haven't realized until now is that I have been doing exactly what the quote says. . . I have been looking fear in the face . . . and fear blinked first!! Now to just continue to remind myself of this daily. I am up for the challenge because first and foremost. . . I AM WORTH IT!! I DESERVE IT!!

Down to 12% . . .

. . . No it isn't impossible! When you wake up and do nothing but watch TV its very possible to get your DVR down to 12%. That was my Sunday. I needed that rest. I always have something to do and sometimes don't take enough time to just sit and do nothing. It was a long time coming. The only problem with watching TV for 12 straight hours is nothing else gets done and then the guilt sinks in. I think I have been "depressed" for about a week or so. I miss my boyfriend more then you can know. Being in a long distance relationship is so hard sometimes, especially when you want to be there to comfort and to be comforted. Sometimes I just want to be in his arms and I can't just do that anytime I want. I am not trying to have a pity party for myself but it looks like this is what its turning out to be. I just know that I have been in a funk lately and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I won't see Jason until the end of September and I can't be in this funk until then. The next few weekends are packed full of fun so hopefully that will help. Next weekend book club, the following I have family from NY coming into town, and then p3 weekend. The one after that is when I get to see my honey! Can't come soon enough! Ok so this isn't where I thought this blog would go but hey they all can't be award winning entertainment.