Just rambling . . .

I am just sad today. I know that I will experience the up and down of emotions for awhile but I just really don't want to be sad anymore. I do what I can. I talk with my support system, I keep myself busy, I write, I paint . . . I just don't want to be sad. I think part of this sadness is there are some decisions I have to make that I just don't want to. Well lets be real, the decision is made but the execution part is where I am struggling. I know this is part of the lesson I am needing to learn, that couldn't be more clear but . . . it will just bring more sadness. I know that part eventually goes away but going through it, for lack of a better word, sucks! The fact that I am no longer dealing with my feelings with food makes all these emotions that much more intense. I don't have an escape. I want one . . . but I want a healthy one. Sometimes I miss the "numb" feelings I used to have when I didn't have to deal with whatever problem was going on in my life at that time. I don't miss it enough to go back to it but, if I am going to be honest, I do miss it. I figure writing about it helps to externalize it so it won't feel as powerful inside of me. Sometimes I feel, literally feel, the tug on my heart . . . I am just sad.

Tomorrow is just another day . . .

This is something my mom always reminds me of whenever there is something happening on a specific day and it is making me sad. She always tells me that "its just another day and when you wake up the next day it will be over". Well tonight is the opposite because when I wake up tomorrow it will be the day that would have been our 2 year anniversary. I have been trying not to think about it all day, all week actually. I had it written in my planner and now there is just a bunch of scribbles where it was written. I know what was originally there. I wish it was that easy to trick myself. I am glad that I get to go back to work tomorrow (I have been dealing with back issues and was out of work for 4 days . . . a total different story. Lets just say when it rains it pours) so that way I can keep myself busy as to not dwell on this. It was almost something I wasn't even going to write about but I figured if I write about it I can externalize some of the feelings so maybe . . . just maybe tomorrow won't suck as much as I think it might. *sigh*

An Ending . . . A new chapter begins. . .

It only seems fitting that I decided to write this post on the very day that I began this blog 2 years ago. This was not planned.(Maybe some synchronicity??) I guess this is just the right time to share my story. What I have on my mind tonight is Endings. Are endings just new beginnings, a new chapter in the story of life? It really depends on what is ending. The ending I am currently speaking about is the end of my almost 2 year relationship with Jason. Some reading this will be finding out this way and to you I apologize. *sigh* I am not sure I am ready to talk about this but I know I need to for the healing process and now is as good a time as any. Although I am extremely sad and heartbroken, this is the most adult, mature, non drama break up I have ever been through. Its kinda weird really because I have never experienced this before. The breakup was not mutual on my part but it had nothing to do with anything negative. It doesn't make the hurt any less, just different. The main culprit in this was distance. Being in a long distance relationship is extremely challenging and it doesn't offer up the time to work on differences as when you are with someone on a more consistent basis **insert tears here** I know I will be ok. I know at the end of all this we will remain friends, but all that doesn't make the pain any less. I have my good moments and my bad moments but there are more good ones then bad ones. I learned a lot about myself from my relationship with him so I am trying to concentrate on those good aspects. I am trying not to let all the negative thoughts creep in because I know that I did NOTHING wrong. Its tough to reframe negative thoughts but I teach my clients to do it all the time so I know that I know how to. I tell them its a process and takes time and I have to continue to remind myself of the same thing. Just like healing from heartbreak is a process. Its not a fun one that is for sure. . . I can't write anymore right now. I will be back though because I forgot how much I really enjoy blogging. I know this will be one of many creative outlets that will help me through this along with the amazing support system I have. Thank you to all those that have already been there for me and to all those who will in the future. **hugs**