Im*PERFECT*ion

I just read a blog by one of my favorite people in the world Megan Electra Hession. (http://meganelectra.blogspot.com/2012/07/it-takes-more-courage-to-be-imperfect.html) Its all about accepting ourselves for the imperfect people we are. She starts off with this quote “It takes more courage to be imperfect than to be perfect.”. WOW! This slapped me across the face just like it did to her when she heard it. I have felt so imperfect lately and have been doing my my hardest to rectify it which as we all know will NEVER happen because perfect DOES NOT EXIST. Logically I know this. I really do. I do. I don't know what its going to take to "convince myself" of this but I wish *sigh* oh I wish I had the answer. Well let me be honest for a moment. I wish I had an answer that was EASY! Everything seems so hard lately, takes so much energy and effort. I am tired. I am exhausted. I want a break. But . . . Its just not that easy. For a person with an eating disorder (or any addiction for that matter) you can't just take a break. Taking a break can have dire consequences. Maybe not for me one time but over and over it can. Currently I am dealing with intense feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety. I have had a relapse. I ate food not on my food plan and engaged in compulsive over eating. Why you ask am I divulging this information to all of you. Well for one it is a part of who I am in this current moment and for two it is part of what makes me imperfect. I have never nor will I ever be perfect so why do I feel like my program has to be. I am reminded on almost a daily basis "Progress NOT Perfection". So why has this not sunk in? Why do I have to keep getting in my own way. I just need to find the courage to be imperfect like the quote says while also continuing to make progress towards my recovery. I have to admit that I am really living in fear these last few weeks. I am glad that I signed up to review at p3. Its a reboot that I really need. I get so stuck in taking care of others that I forget about my own needs. I also realize that I get so stuck in this perfection thing that I can never do anything right. Its a vicious cycle. Stuff hits my "Not good enough" button so I try all the harder and then when I am not "perfect" the button gets hit yet again. Story of my life . . . *Ok bed time. enough processing for the night. I will get a ton of it this weekend! I can say I am truly looking forward to the love and support I will receive. I need it more then ever right now.

I. Am. Terrified.

I. Am. Terrified. I wrote that as my status on FB and people were asking me Of? That is a really good question. What am I terrified of? I think the real question is what am I NOT terrified of. There is so much going through my mind right now that even with a good pair of running shoes I wouldn't be able to keep up. Not to mention I just don't run! I feel like if I write it out it will get out of my brain and maybe I can make sense of what is really going on with me right now. *I really do need to learn to take my own advice. If I expect my clients to do it I should do it too*. While I recognize that most of this is irrational it sure doesn't feel that way. So here it goes. In no particular order. The stuff I am terrified/afraid/fearful of . . .

Going backwards
Having a relapse (I am a member of OA)
Not reaching my full potential
Playing small
Being too big
Losing my "I"
The Unknown
Spiders (Now that my cousin Jennifer brought it up on my status)
Never falling in love again
Falling in love again
Not being good enough
Being stuck in a job where I am not valued
Moving on to another job
Not making enough money
Not creating a masterpiece
Never being a mom
Being a mom
Paying back my student loans
Gaining all the weight back again
Finding out I am a fraud
My friends feeling like I am a fraud (what this means I have no idea. . . more processing needs to be done here . . .)
Snakes, Bugs, most creepy crawly things
Falling from high places
Insomnia again
Not making the right decision
Never seeing Jason again
Being alone
Losing more weight
Not losing anymore weight
Myself . . .

I feel like I am afraid of everything right now but logically I know that its not true and that most of this is not going to happen. I am just so anxious right now that this is what my brain creates. I feel like I need to get it out so that way I am no longer giving it power but on the other hand I also feel like I have to honor these feelings no matter how irrational they may be. I feel so confused. So many of my fears are opposites. I am afraid something will happen and that it won't at the same time. This doesn't make sense to me. My anxiety just seems to be getting the best of me lately. I try on a daily basis to continue doing the things I enjoy and the things that fill my well. I have noticed in the past these things usually help me get through times like these. Normally I would be painting but I have been wanting to blog lately and I just haven't. I haven't been doing my morning pages either. I have been avoiding any writing for fear of what would come up. There is another fear to add to the list. Ugh!