I. Am. Terrified.

I. Am. Terrified. I wrote that as my status on FB and people were asking me Of? That is a really good question. What am I terrified of? I think the real question is what am I NOT terrified of. There is so much going through my mind right now that even with a good pair of running shoes I wouldn't be able to keep up. Not to mention I just don't run! I feel like if I write it out it will get out of my brain and maybe I can make sense of what is really going on with me right now. *I really do need to learn to take my own advice. If I expect my clients to do it I should do it too*. While I recognize that most of this is irrational it sure doesn't feel that way. So here it goes. In no particular order. The stuff I am terrified/afraid/fearful of . . .

Going backwards
Having a relapse (I am a member of OA)
Not reaching my full potential
Playing small
Being too big
Losing my "I"
The Unknown
Spiders (Now that my cousin Jennifer brought it up on my status)
Never falling in love again
Falling in love again
Not being good enough
Being stuck in a job where I am not valued
Moving on to another job
Not making enough money
Not creating a masterpiece
Never being a mom
Being a mom
Paying back my student loans
Gaining all the weight back again
Finding out I am a fraud
My friends feeling like I am a fraud (what this means I have no idea. . . more processing needs to be done here . . .)
Snakes, Bugs, most creepy crawly things
Falling from high places
Insomnia again
Not making the right decision
Never seeing Jason again
Being alone
Losing more weight
Not losing anymore weight
Myself . . .

I feel like I am afraid of everything right now but logically I know that its not true and that most of this is not going to happen. I am just so anxious right now that this is what my brain creates. I feel like I need to get it out so that way I am no longer giving it power but on the other hand I also feel like I have to honor these feelings no matter how irrational they may be. I feel so confused. So many of my fears are opposites. I am afraid something will happen and that it won't at the same time. This doesn't make sense to me. My anxiety just seems to be getting the best of me lately. I try on a daily basis to continue doing the things I enjoy and the things that fill my well. I have noticed in the past these things usually help me get through times like these. Normally I would be painting but I have been wanting to blog lately and I just haven't. I haven't been doing my morning pages either. I have been avoiding any writing for fear of what would come up. There is another fear to add to the list. Ugh!