Go the other way.

I went on a walk today. Doesn't seem like big news to share, however this walk brought to me ideas for this blog and other creative endeavors. I have a path I normally take when I walk around the neighborhood. As I was walking up the street I decided, or rather I chose to listen to a message to "go the other way". And so I did. I just took my normal route but did it backwards. It was interesting because I saw the neighborhood differently. I saw trees and street names I hadn't ever noticed before. While I was walking and noticing all the "new" a thought came to me . . . What would happen if we, I,  did things differently. Take the same path but in the opposite direction. It's all in having a different perspective. It's a matter of seeing things a different way and noticing things you would not have noticed before. Yes, you  may notice it anyway but think of all the things we miss when we don't ever just turn around. If I normally think a lot before making any decisions, what would it look like for me to be spontaneous and just take a chance? Or if I become defensive very quickly what would happen if I take a step back to see the other persons perspective and then decide on how to react? I am not naive to think that something profound will come out of doing something differently every time, and I do know that if we, I, never change our view of things a lot will be missed. So a challenge I heard for myself today is to see the different perspective in things. I accept that challenge and challenge all of you to do the same.

Feelings, Fears, and Doing it Afraid

Ok, here we go. I promised raw and real. I am sitting at work and very grateful for a cancellation so I can spend some time with me. Doing this, writing, allowing myself to speak from my heart. I was sitting here and realized that I was starting to feel anxiety. It starts in the middle of my chest, a warm feeling that radiates outward into the rest of my body. My face feels tingly and I want to jump out of my skin. Really I want someone to squeeze me as tight as they can. Just closing my eyes and imagining someone squeezing me helps slightly. I realize this is a long intro to get to the point. I am a little all over the place in my head so this post may get confusing. I will do my best to clarify things and I make no promises it will make sense to anyone but me. Hell, it may not even make sense to me. I just type the words. Doesn't mean in the moment I have to understand them. That is how my higher power works sometimes. So these feeling that I am recognizing are jealousy, longing, sadness, pain, . . . and probably more that in this moment I am not able to put words to. I recognize that jealousy has come out a lot for me in the last few weeks and I haven't really spoken about it because shit who wants to be jealous? Sometimes I hope that if I don't say anything it will get resolved on its own. I definitely know better then that when I can think logically and rationally. Sometimes that just is not the case. So jealousy. According to dictionary.com, jealousy is defined as:

jeal·ous·y

/ˈdʒɛləsi/ Show Spelled [jel-uh-see]   

noun, plural jeal·ous·ies for 4.

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

 

Even just reading the definition makes me feel yucky and shameful inside. Why do I compare myself to everyone? Why can't i just be happy with where my life is and the accomplishments I have made? Why is it never enough??? Fuck! There it is. Most everything in my life leads to that core wound. I am not enough. It is never enough . . .

I know that I am an amazing person and I have accomplished huge things in my life and am still striving for bigger and better things. I have goals and I work on them all the time. I can own my part in that I can look at my priorities and put more energy towards other things I want to make happen. Sometimes there is just not enough hours in a day. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to come home from work or a meeting and just veg out. . . I deserve to get lost in a book or a TV show or get to bed early. I deserve that. BUT then when things I want to happen don't get done I take that away from myself almost like a punishment. I will end up staying up way to late to read or do those things but then I suffer the next day. I know there has to  be an easier way. . .

 

So back to jealousy. What has been coming up for me in this area is being jealous of other people's success (because it is happening faster then mine) and of their dating/love/romantic life (because I am not experiencing any of that). Ok, that last part is not entirely true. I have a few people in my life who I receive/experience intimate connection from/with and I value, love, cherish, and respect that connection. I think it has to do more with the physical aspects of a romantic relationship and the outward appearance. (Gross! Did I just admit that out loud!). I just want to cry right now. I would go for it at 100% but there is a window on the door to my office and the walls are paper thin. Sometimes I think I just get lonely and crave physical touch and just plain attention.

 

** Something in me wants to end this now and not even post if. I recognize it as fear of judgement. I am typing this and telling you all so I don't have to carry it with me and so that you can see that this in fact is raw and real. One thing I mentioned in my initial blog is that fear of judgement. What I keep reminding myself, even in this moment, is that people who love me will love me no matter what. And yes, people may judge me, but that doesn't mean I need to censor who I am. If they judge me, they need to deal with that and it is none of my business. It's so easy to say this and a completely different thing to believe it. I also know from experience that the more me I am, the more amazing my life feels and the more amazing the people in my life are and that is why I choose to DO IT AFRAID!. I am afraid of being judged and doing it anyway. **

 

Most of the time I am pretty good about asking for what I need and sometimes it harder. I guess this is just a harder moment. I think what happens is that I start to think about what I want to ask and them make assumptions that others are too busy, don't want to, or have other things going on. Oy Vey!

 

I am on Step 6 which is about character defects. I think these things are coming up at exactly the time they need to so I can start addressing them. Whether or not it is a character defect, I still have needs that deserve to be met. I know that I need to take responsibility for my part in things and I feel I am able to do that, sometimes with the help of others, and at other times on my own. I fully recognize that I have not "put myself out there" regarding the dating/romance thing. I do understand that someone is not going to just fall in my lap or knock on my door. I know I have to make an effort. That part is scary too. OMG I am all over the place in my head.

 

It's now lunch time and I need to go eat. That may in fact help me feel better and clear up some things in my head. So, I am going to go heat up my meal, take some deep breaths, say a prayer, and continue to take care of me.

 

If you have made it to the end of this blog post I want to thank you for holding on and staying with it. If you feel confused, I say welcome to the club. If you get me, I say welcome to the club. If you are judging me . . . well, if you are judging me like I said it is none of my business. I feel like I want to give you all something for making it through this post to the bitter end. . .

 

For those of you reading this line know I love you! Even if we aren't very close, or I don't see you every day, or we haven't talked in weeks, know . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love for LeeMee

I never understood people who didn't want to move because it would disturb the pet that was laying with them . . . I SO get it now! Right now as I type this I have a little chihuahua named Killer sleeping next to me, well kinda on top of my hip. And you guessed it, I don't want to disturb him. I wish I could add audio so you could hear the cute little noises he makes when he sleeps. Anyway, this post is not about him. This post is about a realization I had today that I am now a person who loves animals. I never hated animals but I never really got attached to them either. Growing up I usually had a pet but it was never mine. I never did most of the taking care of or nurturing of the animal. I would be sad when they passed away or ran away (I had a kitten named Katie who ran away. She did not want to move to Orlando) but . . . I don't know. This feeling I am experiencing is different. I have this person in my life who is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever met. The compassion and caring she has for all living things is inspirational. I see all living things differently because of her.  She has 4 dogs. They have become my dogs too. I take care of them and love them like they are my own. Most nights I have 1 or 2 of them sleeping with me and when I don't, I miss them. Well, a week ago she rescued a dog that was left alone and not being taken care of properly. She was named LeeMee. LeeMee was brought home and lived with us for the week. She slept in my room. Now, I will be the first to admit sometimes I was annoyed with her, but that never really lasted long. Today, she was brought to a pet adoption place to be given a good home where she is going to be loved beyond imagination. I didn't expect to feel attachment feelings towards her, but I do. I miss her. I got sad when I walked into my room and saw the crate there knowing she wasn't going to be sleeping there tonight. Earlier today, she was sitting with me cuddled up on a park bench and I just looked at her and told her I would miss her. I got a picture with her today right before we dropped her off. Look at that face. How could you not fall in love with her.

This is me.

I made a declaration on Facebook yesterday that I was going to start blogging again. And if it's said on Facebook then that means it has to be done right? Actually I became really excited, like butterflies in the tummy, cheese smile on the face excited, when I thought about it. I miss writing. I have been told by many that they like reading what I write. As much as that makes me feel good inside and is very affirmative, the process is really for me. Just another way to express myself. When I sit down and write I am not thinking about . . . Ok, truth time. I just realized that I got stuck as I was typing and when I checked in with myself it was because there was a part of me that wanted to be untruthful. A part that wanted to "sound" and be perceived in a different way. That is not the way I choose to be today. Or better yet, that is not the way I want to be today. Sometimes it still happens and that is why the saying is Progress NOT Perfection. Character defects rear their ugly little heads all the time. The beautiful part, the oh so beautiful part, is today I get to choose to be different. I get to respond in ways that feel good to me and are in line with my authentic, genuine self. I was sharing in a meeting yesterday, **If you didn't already know, I am in Recovery. My name is Amanda and I am an addict** (Pause for effect so you can all respond accordingly), about what recovery has brought to my life. I have people in my life today who get me. They get me, and they love me. They love me, and they show up for me in more ways then I knew existed. I have people in my life today who help me feel safe. I have people in my life today who won't co sign on bullshit and let me get away with things that will be harmful to myself. I have people today who listen, and I mean REALLY listen to me and who genuinely care about the things I am saying and feeling. Woah! THIS, This moment is why I love to write. Seeing my thoughts and feeling them in my body create a connection that can't be explained unless you have experienced it. It's like a connection with a part of myself that has been sleeping, hiding, or just sitting quietly waiting for the opportunity to spring forth and say "HERE I AM". I find myself becoming a little sad in this moment that I have allowed that part of me to remain so still for such a long time. She has waited to patiently for me to be in a place where I am ready to continue to express myself at a deeper, raw, real, naked truth kind of place. That place is where healing, growth, happiness, serenity, change, love and so much more comes from.  It is from that place that I make this commitment. I commit to write at least once a week. Once a week to share the raw, real details of my being. The thoughts, ideas, creativity, feelings, and silliness that lives inside of me. So, I start now. Remember at the beginning I chose to pause and be truthful. The truth is that when I write sometimes I do censor myself. Sometimes I do hope that certain people will be reading my words and that others won't be. Sometimes I don't share things for fear of judgment, feelings of shame or embarrassment, or because I have this belief that I will look dumb, and at others I share things to get attention. I know in this very moment I am being the most real version of myself because of the feelings I am experiencing in my body in this very moment. My face feels tingly. I don't know if you have ever experienced that feeling before. I have and often times, for me, it is uncomfortable. Today I chose to see (and feel) it as a sensation of freedom. An awareness that I am stepping further and further into my true self. Today, I share with you, me. That 2 letter word hold in it an abundance of love, truth, playfulness, intelligence, sexiness, quiet stillness, laughter (with snorts of course), excitement, creativity and so much more. I look forward to this continued journey of discovery to see what other incredible qualities can be found in ME. For those of you willing to be on this journey with me, I encourage you to wear your seat belt. It's going to be a bumpy ride. . . Bumpy and FUN!