This is me.

I made a declaration on Facebook yesterday that I was going to start blogging again. And if it's said on Facebook then that means it has to be done right? Actually I became really excited, like butterflies in the tummy, cheese smile on the face excited, when I thought about it. I miss writing. I have been told by many that they like reading what I write. As much as that makes me feel good inside and is very affirmative, the process is really for me. Just another way to express myself. When I sit down and write I am not thinking about . . . Ok, truth time. I just realized that I got stuck as I was typing and when I checked in with myself it was because there was a part of me that wanted to be untruthful. A part that wanted to "sound" and be perceived in a different way. That is not the way I choose to be today. Or better yet, that is not the way I want to be today. Sometimes it still happens and that is why the saying is Progress NOT Perfection. Character defects rear their ugly little heads all the time. The beautiful part, the oh so beautiful part, is today I get to choose to be different. I get to respond in ways that feel good to me and are in line with my authentic, genuine self. I was sharing in a meeting yesterday, **If you didn't already know, I am in Recovery. My name is Amanda and I am an addict** (Pause for effect so you can all respond accordingly), about what recovery has brought to my life. I have people in my life today who get me. They get me, and they love me. They love me, and they show up for me in more ways then I knew existed. I have people in my life today who help me feel safe. I have people in my life today who won't co sign on bullshit and let me get away with things that will be harmful to myself. I have people today who listen, and I mean REALLY listen to me and who genuinely care about the things I am saying and feeling. Woah! THIS, This moment is why I love to write. Seeing my thoughts and feeling them in my body create a connection that can't be explained unless you have experienced it. It's like a connection with a part of myself that has been sleeping, hiding, or just sitting quietly waiting for the opportunity to spring forth and say "HERE I AM". I find myself becoming a little sad in this moment that I have allowed that part of me to remain so still for such a long time. She has waited to patiently for me to be in a place where I am ready to continue to express myself at a deeper, raw, real, naked truth kind of place. That place is where healing, growth, happiness, serenity, change, love and so much more comes from.  It is from that place that I make this commitment. I commit to write at least once a week. Once a week to share the raw, real details of my being. The thoughts, ideas, creativity, feelings, and silliness that lives inside of me. So, I start now. Remember at the beginning I chose to pause and be truthful. The truth is that when I write sometimes I do censor myself. Sometimes I do hope that certain people will be reading my words and that others won't be. Sometimes I don't share things for fear of judgment, feelings of shame or embarrassment, or because I have this belief that I will look dumb, and at others I share things to get attention. I know in this very moment I am being the most real version of myself because of the feelings I am experiencing in my body in this very moment. My face feels tingly. I don't know if you have ever experienced that feeling before. I have and often times, for me, it is uncomfortable. Today I chose to see (and feel) it as a sensation of freedom. An awareness that I am stepping further and further into my true self. Today, I share with you, me. That 2 letter word hold in it an abundance of love, truth, playfulness, intelligence, sexiness, quiet stillness, laughter (with snorts of course), excitement, creativity and so much more. I look forward to this continued journey of discovery to see what other incredible qualities can be found in ME. For those of you willing to be on this journey with me, I encourage you to wear your seat belt. It's going to be a bumpy ride. . . Bumpy and FUN!