Feelings, Fears, and Doing it Afraid

Ok, here we go. I promised raw and real. I am sitting at work and very grateful for a cancellation so I can spend some time with me. Doing this, writing, allowing myself to speak from my heart. I was sitting here and realized that I was starting to feel anxiety. It starts in the middle of my chest, a warm feeling that radiates outward into the rest of my body. My face feels tingly and I want to jump out of my skin. Really I want someone to squeeze me as tight as they can. Just closing my eyes and imagining someone squeezing me helps slightly. I realize this is a long intro to get to the point. I am a little all over the place in my head so this post may get confusing. I will do my best to clarify things and I make no promises it will make sense to anyone but me. Hell, it may not even make sense to me. I just type the words. Doesn't mean in the moment I have to understand them. That is how my higher power works sometimes. So these feeling that I am recognizing are jealousy, longing, sadness, pain, . . . and probably more that in this moment I am not able to put words to. I recognize that jealousy has come out a lot for me in the last few weeks and I haven't really spoken about it because shit who wants to be jealous? Sometimes I hope that if I don't say anything it will get resolved on its own. I definitely know better then that when I can think logically and rationally. Sometimes that just is not the case. So jealousy. According to dictionary.com, jealousy is defined as:

jeal·ous·y

/ˈdʒɛləsi/ Show Spelled [jel-uh-see]   

noun, plural jeal·ous·ies for 4.

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

 

Even just reading the definition makes me feel yucky and shameful inside. Why do I compare myself to everyone? Why can't i just be happy with where my life is and the accomplishments I have made? Why is it never enough??? Fuck! There it is. Most everything in my life leads to that core wound. I am not enough. It is never enough . . .

I know that I am an amazing person and I have accomplished huge things in my life and am still striving for bigger and better things. I have goals and I work on them all the time. I can own my part in that I can look at my priorities and put more energy towards other things I want to make happen. Sometimes there is just not enough hours in a day. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to come home from work or a meeting and just veg out. . . I deserve to get lost in a book or a TV show or get to bed early. I deserve that. BUT then when things I want to happen don't get done I take that away from myself almost like a punishment. I will end up staying up way to late to read or do those things but then I suffer the next day. I know there has to  be an easier way. . .

 

So back to jealousy. What has been coming up for me in this area is being jealous of other people's success (because it is happening faster then mine) and of their dating/love/romantic life (because I am not experiencing any of that). Ok, that last part is not entirely true. I have a few people in my life who I receive/experience intimate connection from/with and I value, love, cherish, and respect that connection. I think it has to do more with the physical aspects of a romantic relationship and the outward appearance. (Gross! Did I just admit that out loud!). I just want to cry right now. I would go for it at 100% but there is a window on the door to my office and the walls are paper thin. Sometimes I think I just get lonely and crave physical touch and just plain attention.

 

** Something in me wants to end this now and not even post if. I recognize it as fear of judgement. I am typing this and telling you all so I don't have to carry it with me and so that you can see that this in fact is raw and real. One thing I mentioned in my initial blog is that fear of judgement. What I keep reminding myself, even in this moment, is that people who love me will love me no matter what. And yes, people may judge me, but that doesn't mean I need to censor who I am. If they judge me, they need to deal with that and it is none of my business. It's so easy to say this and a completely different thing to believe it. I also know from experience that the more me I am, the more amazing my life feels and the more amazing the people in my life are and that is why I choose to DO IT AFRAID!. I am afraid of being judged and doing it anyway. **

 

Most of the time I am pretty good about asking for what I need and sometimes it harder. I guess this is just a harder moment. I think what happens is that I start to think about what I want to ask and them make assumptions that others are too busy, don't want to, or have other things going on. Oy Vey!

 

I am on Step 6 which is about character defects. I think these things are coming up at exactly the time they need to so I can start addressing them. Whether or not it is a character defect, I still have needs that deserve to be met. I know that I need to take responsibility for my part in things and I feel I am able to do that, sometimes with the help of others, and at other times on my own. I fully recognize that I have not "put myself out there" regarding the dating/romance thing. I do understand that someone is not going to just fall in my lap or knock on my door. I know I have to make an effort. That part is scary too. OMG I am all over the place in my head.

 

It's now lunch time and I need to go eat. That may in fact help me feel better and clear up some things in my head. So, I am going to go heat up my meal, take some deep breaths, say a prayer, and continue to take care of me.

 

If you have made it to the end of this blog post I want to thank you for holding on and staying with it. If you feel confused, I say welcome to the club. If you get me, I say welcome to the club. If you are judging me . . . well, if you are judging me like I said it is none of my business. I feel like I want to give you all something for making it through this post to the bitter end. . .

 

For those of you reading this line know I love you! Even if we aren't very close, or I don't see you every day, or we haven't talked in weeks, know . . .