Hi my name is Amanda . . .

and I am ANGRY! This anger set in about 5 days ago. It hit me and hit me hard. I am so sick of having an eating disorder. Why cant I eat like a normal person? Why do I have to be on a fucking food plan and eliminate foods from my diet. Is it too much to ask to be able to eat just one fucking cookie and not want more and more and more. I just want to eat like a normal person. I actually hate the word "normal" when referenced to people so I guess what I mean is I want to eat like someone who isn't a compulsive over eater! I am tired of it! Just so exhausted of having to deal with all of the rules of what can and cant be done related to food. I am hoping this anger goes away soon. I don't want to mess up all the hard work I have put into this so far. I don't want to fail at yet something else! I keep saying to myself all the cliches that get thrown around 12 step programs like One Day at a Time and Progress Not Perfection and things like that but lately they have been pissing me off more then anything. I get them. Now that I too am in a 12 step program (OA for those who haven't caught on)they make more sense to me and I see how they work but sometimes I just want my feelings to be validated. I wish people understood how hard it is. I know some do and I don't want to minimize that but right now it feels like its just me. I know I am not alone and I have tons and tons of support but part of this anger is irrational and I know that. I am allowing myself this irrational time so I don't hold it in and it gets worse. I want this to go away not get worse but I also have learned that I need to validate how I am feeling too (hazard of being a therapist). Ok so enough of the angry ramble. I am going to bed. Thanks for listening.

Yellow Shoe Monday

I had dinner with a friend tonight **Shout out to Dana** and we were talking about the Creative Soulcare group that I facilitate. I told her a story about last night. We had an amazing group last night and during I shared about Yellow Shoe Monday. I created this day because in my opinion you can not have a crappy day wearing bright beautiful yellow shoes. Well because of feet issues and back pains and unsupportive yellow shoes I haven't had Yellow Shoe Monday in a long time. Last night when discussing this previous event I remembered an idea I had about a blog with Yellow Shoes as the theme. I was going to take a picture in any yellow shoes I came across and post/write about the shoes and where I was and what was going on in my life at the time. Great idea and that's all it was, an idea. It never came to fruition. I realized that I have a lot of ideas that are just that, ideas. . . So last night I came home, read a little bit **Book club is Saturday and I am not even halfway through the book. I better get a move on it!**, then tried to sleep. I laid in bed wide awake with lots of thoughts running through my mind. One thought was the picture above of me and my yellow shoes with my Strength tattoo. I HAD to post it. It needed to be done right then, right then at 12:40am. I posted the picture to my facebook. Smiled at the Yellow Shoe Monday memories closed my eyes and was out like a light before I knew it! Tonight as I was chatting with Dana I realized that a lot of what keeps me up at night are creative ideas that flow through my mind that need a place to go. If they don't receive a place to go they just bounce around inside my brain at the most inopportune times like when I am trying to sleep. Dana so gently reminded me that I hadn't blogged in awhile and I realized that was another way to clear my mind so I could sleep soundly. Tonight I decided to start blogging again. I will make no commitments as to how often I will blog but I do want it to be more often then it has been. It doesn't need to be a novel or short story, it can be just a few sentences to tell how my day was, vent about whatever happened that day **Don't get me started on that one right now!** or whatever creative ideas flow through at that moment. I know I have so many unfinished poems floating around in my brain and it would be awesome to get them down and give life to them. . . In essence I am giving life to my creative self.

Serenity

Over the last few months, I have come to depend on the Serenity prayer for comfort and hope. I have been wearing a wristband every day for almost 3 months. . . Tonight that wristband broke and I cried. It wasn't a melt down cry but I am sad. I wore it as a reminder and it helped get me through some really tough days. What will I do now? A friend of mine, whose friendship I cherish, said to me that maybe its time for me to recognize that the serene feelings are within me and I don't need a wristband as a reminder. . . Gives me lots to think about.

Fear . . .

Isn't that quote so true! Fear seems to be a topic that comes up a lot in my life. I am sure I am not alone in this. I was talking to someone today and I realized that I am afraid that something is going to happen to negate all the hard work I have been putting into making my mind, body, and soul happier and healthier. I have a habit of sabotaging things when they get "too" good or feeling like its not "good enough" so I sabotage because it hits my "I'm not good enough" button. **I hate that damn button!!** The last 2-3 months have been a blessing and a struggle all at the same time. I have learned that I am strong willed and determined and willing . . . willingness has become something very important to me. I am willing. I am willing to do what it takes to make a happier me. Happiness is all I have ever wanted. I have never really put a face to it, meaning I have never really known exactly how happiness might look. Its a feeling inside the soul. Happiness is a coffee and conversation shared with a friend, a smile from a stranger, a thank you from a client who leave my office feeling better, the moments I am in Jason's arms, or the moments when its just me, my paint brush, and the canvas. Happiness is the phone calls to/from friends, new connections made, Thursday nights with the girls, and my non-fat Chai-tea latte from Starbucks **Yep I have crossed over to the dark side**. I guess my point in all this is that happiness is all around me and yet at times I feel so sad. I know sadness will never go away because it is a part of life but I feel like some of the sadness inside me doesn't need to be there anymore. Its shelf life has expired. Time to throw it away . . . or at least acknowledge its been there all these years, cry one last time to honor the feelings and the past, and then gently with compassion say my goodbye and continue on my journey of finding more happy moments. I guess something I haven't realized until now is that I have been doing exactly what the quote says. . . I have been looking fear in the face . . . and fear blinked first!! Now to just continue to remind myself of this daily. I am up for the challenge because first and foremost. . . I AM WORTH IT!! I DESERVE IT!!

Down to 12% . . .

. . . No it isn't impossible! When you wake up and do nothing but watch TV its very possible to get your DVR down to 12%. That was my Sunday. I needed that rest. I always have something to do and sometimes don't take enough time to just sit and do nothing. It was a long time coming. The only problem with watching TV for 12 straight hours is nothing else gets done and then the guilt sinks in. I think I have been "depressed" for about a week or so. I miss my boyfriend more then you can know. Being in a long distance relationship is so hard sometimes, especially when you want to be there to comfort and to be comforted. Sometimes I just want to be in his arms and I can't just do that anytime I want. I am not trying to have a pity party for myself but it looks like this is what its turning out to be. I just know that I have been in a funk lately and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I won't see Jason until the end of September and I can't be in this funk until then. The next few weekends are packed full of fun so hopefully that will help. Next weekend book club, the following I have family from NY coming into town, and then p3 weekend. The one after that is when I get to see my honey! Can't come soon enough! Ok so this isn't where I thought this blog would go but hey they all can't be award winning entertainment.

and so it begins . . . again

Today I decided I wanted to start blogging again. I enjoy it so much and always wonder why I stop. I have the excuses of "there is no time" and "I have other things to do" but what is more important then doing things I enjoy. Continuing to do things that I enjoy is filling the well. It affords me the opportunity to be more present in other situations and with other people. If I continue to engage in self care activities I will continue to be happy and be able to spread that happiness to others. Funny that this comes up now. I just taught a group today where this very same topic came up. I encouraged my clients to take 5-10 minutes each day to engage in a self care activity. If I ask them to do it I should do it myself right! I am the master at suggesting things for others and not taking my own advice. In my defense, I was taught how to tell people these things BUT I do know I need to take my own advice too.
One way I am doing that is facilitating a group called Creative Soulcare which is based on the book The Artists Way. . . Yes, you caught that, I said FACILITATING, not taking the workshop like I normally do, I am FACILITATING it! Taking that next step is scary but exhilarating all at the same time. This workshop is something I believe in and something that has been a huge factor in creating the artist that I am today. It has helped to broaden my creative outlets. I have been able to foster creative energy that has been trapped inside me for years. It has mostly come out on the canvas. Painting is my outlet. Give me a canvas and I will show you my feelings. Even just a few minutes with a paint brush in my hands allows me to relax and enjoy the moment. I am excited to see what comes up for me on this new journey. I am even more excited to see where this journey takes my students. They all seem so eager to uncover what needs to be uncovered. We are all where we need to be at this very moment. Each person in the group brings something inspring for us to learn from eachother. Yes I am facilitating it but I will learn just as much as the people taking this workshop for the first time. I can't wait to see them all blossom into the creatives they all are.

How I am doing . . . Hey you asked! (Well not really but I am sharing anyway!)

I have so much in my mind that I want to write but have no idea where to begin. I want to apologize in advance to my readers if this post seems kinda schizophrenic. I am going to just write so I can get it all out. Who knows what directions this will take me in. Lets start with the first thing that pops into my mind . . . Ok. I got it!

So I was driving home from work today and decided to call my mother because I hadn't returned her calls for 2 days. I wasn't ignoring her on purpose. I have just not been sleeping well (will discuss more of that later) and I was sleeping by 7pm last night. So we are having a conversation, the basic hi, how are you's and stuff like that. She tells me that she is going to go on a cruise to Alaska with her best friend which I am genuinely excited about for her. Conversation is going well. I should have hung up then. But instead I decided to share with my mother more about my life because she complains that I don't share enough with her. . . Clearly I was reminded tonight the REASON for that! I tell her that I made a decision. I tell her that I was excited because normally I have to consult 1 million people before coming to a conclusion, but this decision I thought about and made on my own. Anyone could tell by the sound of my voice that I was proud of myself. With the information shared I expected a "great job" or "I'm proud of you" but what I got was not along those lines what I got was "Don't get mad if I ask you a question". Now, when someone says "Don't get mad" the reason they are saying it is because on some level they know what they are about to say will upset you. Saying "don't get mad" almost assures the person will do just the opposite of not getting mad. So she asks her question and I give my answer and then she starts talking. . . Normally this is the point where I check out in the conversation because I am in fact MAD, but I decided to listen to what she had to say. The information she was giving me was relevant and she was making some great points HOWEVER what I took from it was this. . . Nothing I ever do will be good enough for my mother! It makes me sad to say this but this is how I feel. If its not one things its another. Now the relationship I have with her has grown and improved over time but I am just continuously made aware that I have more work to do in this area.

***Side note:I had about 2 amazing paragraphs typed out that I lost. I am a little pissed right now. I am not going to try to recreate it because the words will not come to me in the same sequence and I am sure the tone will now be different. So for this topic I will just end with this.

Another thing on my mind lately is the fact that I haven't been sleeping well. Some nights I toss and turn and wake up wide eyed at 2am. I throw my little tantrum (yes I kick and scream to let out the energy) then I try to go back to sleep. I have also been having some really weird/odd dreams. Sometimes pieces of it make sense and sometimes I wake up thinking WTF! Last night I couldn't sleep and was playing Angry Birds in bed and the concept of the game totally made its way into my dream. I was tired this morning but that made me laugh.
I feel like my mind has been in overdrive lately. There is something going on inside this brain of mine. I am processing through some stuff which on one hand is great but on the other its not because it is really affecting my sleep. I should totally be sleeping right now but I have wanted to write for such a long time and if the words are flowing I might as well take advantage of it. Because this is deprivation week for Creative Soulcare, I am not watching TV which offers me more time for my creative endeavors. I would probably be numbed out in front of the TV right now instead of getting the words out. Getting this out may help my brain calm down some. **fingers crossed**.

Since I brought it up, lets talk about Creative Soulcare (formerly known as The Artists Way). This workshop has helped to creative the artist I am today. When I took my first workshop calling myself an Artist wasn't even a thought in my mind. Today my artist has a name (Sunflower Lily) and I have sold 5 paintings. Saying that is still pretty surreal. What this workshop has helped me do is unblock my creative mind and has allowed me to grow in ways a person can only dream of. I wouldn't trade in any of the moments I have experienced for all the money in the world . . . well that's actually a lot of money. I might have to consider it! Anywho my point is that the growth experiences I have experienced have taught me A LOT about myself. And while growth is good and a necessary part of life, it can also be overwhelming, tiring, and frustrating. I am in a current phase which is commonly known as resistance. I don't want to do the morning pages because there will be more self reflection and I am kinda over the self reflection stuff. I am just tired. Its a tiring process. It has benefited me tremendously, but I just need a break! I don't want to stop being creative, (I just laughed when I wrote that because me not being creative is like a dog not barking. . . It WILL happen), I just want to paint to just paint. Not necessarily learn something about myself that requires some action on my part to change if its something I don't like.

There is just a lot of changes going on within me that can be overwhelming at times. They are good changes. They are changes that needed to happen, but changes are changes and that in itself is an overwhelming thing. I feel like every day I am becoming a better person then I was the day before. That is my goal anyway. With this I also understand that some people might not understand or even like it. Because other people don't like change either. The changes going on with me have nothing to do with anyone else but I am not naive to think it won't affect others. There is only so much I can do to control that because I am no longer willing to hold myself back for other people. My goal is to keep moving forward. If moving forward means some people are left behind then that's what needs to happen. It sounds mean but it isn't. What it is, is FINALLY honoring myself and what I want and need. Putting myself before others. Some may call it selfish, and in essence it is, but selfish doesn't need to be a negative word.

Because this blog entry is turning into a short story I will say my final words. This weekend is p3 and I am going to angel. I am hoping to work through some of the many things that are jumbling around in my head. If there is any place to do it that is it. I look forward to spending some time with my p3 family! I always leave with new perspectives and insights that just add to my life. . . because that's what its all about. Adding to your life, making it better, moving forward, and continuing to Trust the Process!

A year of my heart smiling

It all started one year ago today (2.8.11). Today is the day Jason (the very handsome man in the picture) and I met for the first time. Going into the meeting I had no expectations (see second or third blog post). When I met him I was instantly attracted to him physically (that smile sucked me in) and then I found out he was funny! Funny is so sexy to me. Make me laugh and I am hooked. Well Jason did make me laugh and continues to do so each and every day. Along with his humor, I have learned that this man is one of the most supportive, genuine, caring, strong, independent, and understanding people I have ever met. Maybe most people would say this about the person they are in a relationship with but it truly is true about him. Oh, he is really patient and accepting too. We all know that I am a bundle of emotions and crying comes along with all of them, he accepts it all and is patient to "wait it out" (my words, not his) until I am feeling better. Now I also know he hasn't always been this way (so I have been informed) and I feel very fortunate to have met him at a time in both of our lives when it was just right. Over the last several years I have done a lot of personal growth, made some very significant changes, and made some very difficult decisions, and come to some conclusions about who I am, what I am, and what I am willing to take into my life. The reason to bring this up is because if Jason and I had met several years ago I don't think it would be working out as well as it is. Well let me rephrase, it would NOT be working out the way it is. I continuously work on being a better Amanda then I was the day before and I know that he does the same . . . well of course he is working on being a better Jason (Ok, that made me laugh. If you didn't then I recognize that "Sometimes they all can't be winners"!). My heart smiles every time I think about him (which is often in case you couldn't figure that one out)and every time we talk. Because it is a long distance relationship I am somewhat "star struck" every time I see him. I still get butterflies in my belly when he is waiting for me at the airport or when I know he will be walking through the aisle from the terminal and I can run and wrap my arms around him. I am silly and weird, and sentimental and emotional, and I snort when I laugh sometimes. I have many many issues which, at times unexpectedly, rear their ugly heads from past hurts or childhood and throughout all of this he is there. He is there with an open heart and an attentive ear to listen and provide me with insights and support. And at the end of it all, the laughter and the tears, I get to crawl into his arms and feel safe and comforted and protected and warm. I am honored that he has chosen to spend this wonderful magnificent year getting to know me and allowing me into his life to get to know him. Here's to many many many many many (you get the idea) more years of warmth and comfort and support and laughter and lets not forget my tears (those babies aren't going anywhere LOL) and conversations and time together to continue to get to know each other and let our connection grow deeper then it already is. Here's to many many (ok same as before) more years of smiling hearts and butterflies in the belly. Jason, Happy 1yr anniversary of when we met <3 <3

And so my writing has begun

What is Poetry

Poetry is the innermost thoughts of your mind
It's the feelings and emotions
That can't be expressed in "normal" complete sentences
Poetry is words that the heart speaks
And words that speak to the heart
It is a language that many speak
And so many do not understand
Poetry is music to the ears
The rhythms and beats and sounds
It is words that rhyme
And some that don't
Poetry is an expression of the soul
Poetry is comfort and support and understanding
When you feel like no one is listening
Poetry is love that warms your heart
And the energy that flows through your veins
It is the air we breathe in
And the air we breathe out
Poetry is the words that flow through your hand
Into the pen and onto the paper
Poetry is inspiration
Poetry is the world
Poetry is you
Poetry is me
I am Poetry

2.4.11

A poem by Amanda circa 1997

A Dream Not Reality

I look out the window
And what do I See
A beautiful painting
Of you and me
Up in the sky
The colors so bright
I'm telling you
It was a wonderful sight
I see us hand in hand
I see us together forever
The picture is starting to fade
Oh now I remember
The picture I saw
Was only a dream
It was so real
Or yet it seemed
To make it really happen
To make my dream come true
It needs the effort of me
And not only me but you too
The only effort
Was on my part
So that made my dream
Have no hope from the start
I was blinded by love
So I didn't see
That this dream of mine
Only included me
If I had opened my eyes
And seen what was really there
I would have seen
That you didn't care
That all of the hope
And all of the faith
Wouldn't of helped me
In this case
Yet all it did
Was hurt me bad
And not only that
It made me real sad
Because I always thought
That you really loved me
But the picture I saw
Was a dream not reality

-Amanda Robinson

I want to start writing again

For the past week or so I have been really thinking a lot about writing. Writing poetry, writing on this blog, writing a book . . . It can happen! I just think that all my work with the Creative Soulcare workshops (formally called The Artist's Way) is opening me up to forms of creativity that once were alive inside my body. I used to write poetry ALL the time. Now we are talking years ago! Throughout the years I have written some things here and there but at some point along the way I stopped giving it a lot of energy. Well folks, the energy seems to be flowing through my veins and wants to make an appearance again. Now with all that said, I think part of me is scared to write again. All the same fears that once came with my art (painting, drawing etc.) are now rearing their ugly heads again. I want to work through these fears and not let it incapacitate me. I don't want it to be another 10 years before I write again. Sometimes you just have to look fear in the face and say "Get the $&%* out of my way!" And that is what I am going to do. I was looking at pictures to add to this post and when I saw the magnetic poetry one I knew that its new home would be on my blog. My fridge is full of magnetic poetry. I have little mini one and two liners all over. What I especially love about the picture is that right in the middle clear as day is the word "gift". And when I look at that word, I think what a gift it is for me to be able to express my creativity in so many different ways. What a gift it is that my passion for writing is coming back to me. Such a gift I have received. And now I share a gift with you. Here is a poem I wrote in 1995. Yes I know that was many many moons ago, but I want to pay my respects to where it all started. This is one of my favorites. I figured that my work from the past can inspire my future. I hope this inspires you . . .

I See Him

Looking across the room
I see him
Thinking about what we had
I see him
Feeling the sadness and pain
I see him
Here come the tears
I see him
Wishing it was like it was before
I see him
Wanting to tell him I love you
I see him
Crying because he wont look
I see him
Hoping he'll understand
I see him
Wanting it to be over
I see him
Wishing he felt the same
I see him
Wanting him back
I see him
I'm looking the other way
Because it hurts to see him


I would like to add here that a lot of the things I wrote in my teenage years was sad and depressing and about heartache and pain. I wrote a blog awhile ago wondering why I don't write when things are going well, when I am happy. Poetry is a form of expression and I think I used it to help get me through the hard times. To help comfort and support me. I feel like a lot of people use it in that way. I want to start writing to express all my emotions even the good ones. We'll see what comes out and what is created. I do know that I am looking forward to seeing my words written (and typed) again!

Sledge Hammering Away the CRAP . . . Literally!

Today is the day my dad decided it was time to knock down the gross, raggedy, mold filled, dirty room that is off my back porch. We have wanted to get rid of this for the longest time. Ever since we decided to do this we have been talking about how good it would feel to take a sledge hammer to it. I was the first one since it is my house and OMG it did feel good. I just kept pounding away. My dad, step mother, and youngest sister was there. They all took turns too. I had to eventually come inside because it isn't good for me to be around all that crap considering I am allergic to mold and the dust doesn't help my asthma out any. So I come inside and out of nowhere I break down. I start crying and then start crying even harder because I don't know why I am crying. Its such an odd feeling to be crying and not knowing the reason why. . . I finally stop and I start to think about what this could be. The first thought I have is that I miss Jason but I always miss him and I am not always crying. I was fine earlier so why now. Then I realize it was symbolic. Now you may be asking yourself "what was symbolic?". Well let me tell you. First the mere act of taking that sledge hammer and banging away at the wood is an ultimate release of emotion. The act just brings emotions to the surface you might not even realize are there. The reason I feel I started crying was because of the symbolism of tearing down the old, falling apart, moldy crap that wasn't working for me to make room for the new beautiful space that has many options and possibilities for growth and change that can only be beneficial to my whole being. Its a new year. A time for new beginnings. A time to get rid of the stuff that isn't working for us to make room for things to come into our life to make us happy, promote change and to help us be the best individuals we can be. So with that, I am now smiling! How beautiful is a moment when tears turn to smiles and the unknown turns to insight! I wish everyone could have a moment where they can take a sledge hammer to the crap they want to remove from their lives. If you can literally do it, I whole heartily recommend it!