Im*PERFECT*ion

I just read a blog by one of my favorite people in the world Megan Electra Hession. (http://meganelectra.blogspot.com/2012/07/it-takes-more-courage-to-be-imperfect.html) Its all about accepting ourselves for the imperfect people we are. She starts off with this quote “It takes more courage to be imperfect than to be perfect.”. WOW! This slapped me across the face just like it did to her when she heard it. I have felt so imperfect lately and have been doing my my hardest to rectify it which as we all know will NEVER happen because perfect DOES NOT EXIST. Logically I know this. I really do. I do. I don't know what its going to take to "convince myself" of this but I wish *sigh* oh I wish I had the answer. Well let me be honest for a moment. I wish I had an answer that was EASY! Everything seems so hard lately, takes so much energy and effort. I am tired. I am exhausted. I want a break. But . . . Its just not that easy. For a person with an eating disorder (or any addiction for that matter) you can't just take a break. Taking a break can have dire consequences. Maybe not for me one time but over and over it can. Currently I am dealing with intense feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety. I have had a relapse. I ate food not on my food plan and engaged in compulsive over eating. Why you ask am I divulging this information to all of you. Well for one it is a part of who I am in this current moment and for two it is part of what makes me imperfect. I have never nor will I ever be perfect so why do I feel like my program has to be. I am reminded on almost a daily basis "Progress NOT Perfection". So why has this not sunk in? Why do I have to keep getting in my own way. I just need to find the courage to be imperfect like the quote says while also continuing to make progress towards my recovery. I have to admit that I am really living in fear these last few weeks. I am glad that I signed up to review at p3. Its a reboot that I really need. I get so stuck in taking care of others that I forget about my own needs. I also realize that I get so stuck in this perfection thing that I can never do anything right. Its a vicious cycle. Stuff hits my "Not good enough" button so I try all the harder and then when I am not "perfect" the button gets hit yet again. Story of my life . . . *Ok bed time. enough processing for the night. I will get a ton of it this weekend! I can say I am truly looking forward to the love and support I will receive. I need it more then ever right now.