Being Authentic

I don't want to hide who I am

I think I've held it in as much as I can

These thoughts are feelings floating around

Need to come out and not be tethered and bound

Sharing who I am with the world

Is scary at best

It leaves me feeling anxious and excited

With tons of energy bouncing around in my chest

No longer do I have to pretend

to be who I'm not

I can share how I feel and say out loud

"Damn she is hot"

Labels aren't necessary

They need not exist

I am very aware

That many can not resist

Placing me in a box

or calling me a certain name

All that's really important

Is that I am working on losing the shame

Because there is nothing to be ashamed about

Some people get there faster

I just took a different route

I feel like this point in my life

I have such amazing support

That this journey of self discovery

I will not abort

I like learning who I am

And learning to love me

Just as I am

I plan to just simply be

And that is enough.

~Amanda 2/5/13

Why I Cry . . . A poem

Why I cry

I cry because I hold everything inside
I cry because I don't speak my mind
I cry because I am afraid
I cry because it is my release
I cry to try to keep the peace inside of me . . .
But that isn't working
I cry because of things from my past
I cry because sometimes life moves too fast . . .
And sometimes too slow
I cry because I don't want to make mistakes
I cry to sometimes give myself a break . . .
because I am too hard on myself
I cry because you make me so happy . . .
And I am not used to that
I cry because things from my past haunt me . . .
People were so mean
I cry because my heart has been broken
I cry because my innocence has been stolen
I cry when I am happy, scared, or sad
I cry when I am excited, lonely, or mad
I cry because I want to say those 3 words to you . . .
But it scares me
I don't want to be afraid anymore
So through these tears
I will say what I think you already knew
I, Amanda Robinson, am so
In LOVE with you!


This is a poem I wrote for someone specific in May 2011 but the ideas about why I cry still hold true to this day. I think this was the first time I was able to put into words some of the reasons for why I cry. I found it while I was writing my morning pages and knew it was no coincidence I found it today. I was just talking to my new Creative Soulcare group on Monday night that I wanted to start writing again. I feel inspired to write more. We'll see what happens . . .

Im*PERFECT*ion

I just read a blog by one of my favorite people in the world Megan Electra Hession. (http://meganelectra.blogspot.com/2012/07/it-takes-more-courage-to-be-imperfect.html) Its all about accepting ourselves for the imperfect people we are. She starts off with this quote “It takes more courage to be imperfect than to be perfect.”. WOW! This slapped me across the face just like it did to her when she heard it. I have felt so imperfect lately and have been doing my my hardest to rectify it which as we all know will NEVER happen because perfect DOES NOT EXIST. Logically I know this. I really do. I do. I don't know what its going to take to "convince myself" of this but I wish *sigh* oh I wish I had the answer. Well let me be honest for a moment. I wish I had an answer that was EASY! Everything seems so hard lately, takes so much energy and effort. I am tired. I am exhausted. I want a break. But . . . Its just not that easy. For a person with an eating disorder (or any addiction for that matter) you can't just take a break. Taking a break can have dire consequences. Maybe not for me one time but over and over it can. Currently I am dealing with intense feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety. I have had a relapse. I ate food not on my food plan and engaged in compulsive over eating. Why you ask am I divulging this information to all of you. Well for one it is a part of who I am in this current moment and for two it is part of what makes me imperfect. I have never nor will I ever be perfect so why do I feel like my program has to be. I am reminded on almost a daily basis "Progress NOT Perfection". So why has this not sunk in? Why do I have to keep getting in my own way. I just need to find the courage to be imperfect like the quote says while also continuing to make progress towards my recovery. I have to admit that I am really living in fear these last few weeks. I am glad that I signed up to review at p3. Its a reboot that I really need. I get so stuck in taking care of others that I forget about my own needs. I also realize that I get so stuck in this perfection thing that I can never do anything right. Its a vicious cycle. Stuff hits my "Not good enough" button so I try all the harder and then when I am not "perfect" the button gets hit yet again. Story of my life . . . *Ok bed time. enough processing for the night. I will get a ton of it this weekend! I can say I am truly looking forward to the love and support I will receive. I need it more then ever right now.

I. Am. Terrified.

I. Am. Terrified. I wrote that as my status on FB and people were asking me Of? That is a really good question. What am I terrified of? I think the real question is what am I NOT terrified of. There is so much going through my mind right now that even with a good pair of running shoes I wouldn't be able to keep up. Not to mention I just don't run! I feel like if I write it out it will get out of my brain and maybe I can make sense of what is really going on with me right now. *I really do need to learn to take my own advice. If I expect my clients to do it I should do it too*. While I recognize that most of this is irrational it sure doesn't feel that way. So here it goes. In no particular order. The stuff I am terrified/afraid/fearful of . . .

Going backwards
Having a relapse (I am a member of OA)
Not reaching my full potential
Playing small
Being too big
Losing my "I"
The Unknown
Spiders (Now that my cousin Jennifer brought it up on my status)
Never falling in love again
Falling in love again
Not being good enough
Being stuck in a job where I am not valued
Moving on to another job
Not making enough money
Not creating a masterpiece
Never being a mom
Being a mom
Paying back my student loans
Gaining all the weight back again
Finding out I am a fraud
My friends feeling like I am a fraud (what this means I have no idea. . . more processing needs to be done here . . .)
Snakes, Bugs, most creepy crawly things
Falling from high places
Insomnia again
Not making the right decision
Never seeing Jason again
Being alone
Losing more weight
Not losing anymore weight
Myself . . .

I feel like I am afraid of everything right now but logically I know that its not true and that most of this is not going to happen. I am just so anxious right now that this is what my brain creates. I feel like I need to get it out so that way I am no longer giving it power but on the other hand I also feel like I have to honor these feelings no matter how irrational they may be. I feel so confused. So many of my fears are opposites. I am afraid something will happen and that it won't at the same time. This doesn't make sense to me. My anxiety just seems to be getting the best of me lately. I try on a daily basis to continue doing the things I enjoy and the things that fill my well. I have noticed in the past these things usually help me get through times like these. Normally I would be painting but I have been wanting to blog lately and I just haven't. I haven't been doing my morning pages either. I have been avoiding any writing for fear of what would come up. There is another fear to add to the list. Ugh!

I passed my exam . . . Now what?

This weekend has been filled with high emotions. On Friday I passed my licensure exam. I have been on such a high and now as I come down I can't help but wonder whats next? I spent the last 5 years of my life working up to this moment and now . . . now I feel a little lost. To be honest it felt like I would never make it. There was always something else that needed to be done. Now there are only a few more steps to take to complete this part of the journey.



A word that comes to my mind is UNKNOWN. That is what I am walking into right now. There are a lot of decisions that need to be made regarding my future and my career. Do I stay or do I go? Whats available within the parameters I want to work in? Its not about the money but I do need to be compensated for my hard work and dedication that I bring to any job whether it was fast food, retail, or counseling. This new part of the journey is scary but its also exciting too.



Lately I have realized that I play small frequently for fear of how big I can become. I am an intelligent, compassionate, and dedicated person and with those qualities anything can get accomplished. I don't know what exactly I am afraid of. . . I do actually, well part of it. I am sure there is more to this picture. I am afraid that no one will like that "big" person that I can be. Rationally I know this is not true, but I have never claimed to be a completely rational person. More will be revealed about this . . .




One thing is for sure, I am willing to stay on this journey of growth and new discoveries. I feel like I have grown so much in the last 5 years and learned so much about myself and who I am personally and as a therapist and I know there is still so much more to learn.

Serenity + Butterflies = Happiness!

Desktop Nexus: Wallpapers > Abstract Wallpapers > 3D and CG Wallpaper

Everybody needs a good cry now and then. I just finished with one that lasted about a half an hour. It started while watching the movie The Vow (I should have known it would happen). I am not even completely sure why it started or why it continued and why it ended. If I had to sit and think about the things going through my mind during the last 30 minutes I would probably end up making a list of about 50 things. I know that lately my heart has been heavy and has been in pain. I know that most of the time I hide it pretty well which is ironic since I am the type of person that wears my emotions on my sleeve. The depth of the level of unhappiness is what has been hidden. There is so much of my life that is up in the air and it is down right frightening to me. I feel like I am living in fear on a daily basis in one aspect or another. Even while writing this blog my mind is racing about all the thoughts I want to get out. Maybe if I just make a list. Lists help put things into perspective right. 1. _____________ 2. _____________ 3. _____________ 4. _____________ 5. _____________ And just like that my mind is blank. I will revisit this another day. For now . . . I am off to bed. (This was from May 27th. It just never posted. I guess I went to bed to quick! LOL)