Why I Cry . . . A poem

Why I cry

I cry because I hold everything inside
I cry because I don't speak my mind
I cry because I am afraid
I cry because it is my release
I cry to try to keep the peace inside of me . . .
But that isn't working
I cry because of things from my past
I cry because sometimes life moves too fast . . .
And sometimes too slow
I cry because I don't want to make mistakes
I cry to sometimes give myself a break . . .
because I am too hard on myself
I cry because you make me so happy . . .
And I am not used to that
I cry because things from my past haunt me . . .
People were so mean
I cry because my heart has been broken
I cry because my innocence has been stolen
I cry when I am happy, scared, or sad
I cry when I am excited, lonely, or mad
I cry because I want to say those 3 words to you . . .
But it scares me
I don't want to be afraid anymore
So through these tears
I will say what I think you already knew
I, Amanda Robinson, am so
In LOVE with you!


This is a poem I wrote for someone specific in May 2011 but the ideas about why I cry still hold true to this day. I think this was the first time I was able to put into words some of the reasons for why I cry. I found it while I was writing my morning pages and knew it was no coincidence I found it today. I was just talking to my new Creative Soulcare group on Monday night that I wanted to start writing again. I feel inspired to write more. We'll see what happens . . .

Im*PERFECT*ion

I just read a blog by one of my favorite people in the world Megan Electra Hession. (http://meganelectra.blogspot.com/2012/07/it-takes-more-courage-to-be-imperfect.html) Its all about accepting ourselves for the imperfect people we are. She starts off with this quote “It takes more courage to be imperfect than to be perfect.”. WOW! This slapped me across the face just like it did to her when she heard it. I have felt so imperfect lately and have been doing my my hardest to rectify it which as we all know will NEVER happen because perfect DOES NOT EXIST. Logically I know this. I really do. I do. I don't know what its going to take to "convince myself" of this but I wish *sigh* oh I wish I had the answer. Well let me be honest for a moment. I wish I had an answer that was EASY! Everything seems so hard lately, takes so much energy and effort. I am tired. I am exhausted. I want a break. But . . . Its just not that easy. For a person with an eating disorder (or any addiction for that matter) you can't just take a break. Taking a break can have dire consequences. Maybe not for me one time but over and over it can. Currently I am dealing with intense feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety. I have had a relapse. I ate food not on my food plan and engaged in compulsive over eating. Why you ask am I divulging this information to all of you. Well for one it is a part of who I am in this current moment and for two it is part of what makes me imperfect. I have never nor will I ever be perfect so why do I feel like my program has to be. I am reminded on almost a daily basis "Progress NOT Perfection". So why has this not sunk in? Why do I have to keep getting in my own way. I just need to find the courage to be imperfect like the quote says while also continuing to make progress towards my recovery. I have to admit that I am really living in fear these last few weeks. I am glad that I signed up to review at p3. Its a reboot that I really need. I get so stuck in taking care of others that I forget about my own needs. I also realize that I get so stuck in this perfection thing that I can never do anything right. Its a vicious cycle. Stuff hits my "Not good enough" button so I try all the harder and then when I am not "perfect" the button gets hit yet again. Story of my life . . . *Ok bed time. enough processing for the night. I will get a ton of it this weekend! I can say I am truly looking forward to the love and support I will receive. I need it more then ever right now.

I. Am. Terrified.

I. Am. Terrified. I wrote that as my status on FB and people were asking me Of? That is a really good question. What am I terrified of? I think the real question is what am I NOT terrified of. There is so much going through my mind right now that even with a good pair of running shoes I wouldn't be able to keep up. Not to mention I just don't run! I feel like if I write it out it will get out of my brain and maybe I can make sense of what is really going on with me right now. *I really do need to learn to take my own advice. If I expect my clients to do it I should do it too*. While I recognize that most of this is irrational it sure doesn't feel that way. So here it goes. In no particular order. The stuff I am terrified/afraid/fearful of . . .

Going backwards
Having a relapse (I am a member of OA)
Not reaching my full potential
Playing small
Being too big
Losing my "I"
The Unknown
Spiders (Now that my cousin Jennifer brought it up on my status)
Never falling in love again
Falling in love again
Not being good enough
Being stuck in a job where I am not valued
Moving on to another job
Not making enough money
Not creating a masterpiece
Never being a mom
Being a mom
Paying back my student loans
Gaining all the weight back again
Finding out I am a fraud
My friends feeling like I am a fraud (what this means I have no idea. . . more processing needs to be done here . . .)
Snakes, Bugs, most creepy crawly things
Falling from high places
Insomnia again
Not making the right decision
Never seeing Jason again
Being alone
Losing more weight
Not losing anymore weight
Myself . . .

I feel like I am afraid of everything right now but logically I know that its not true and that most of this is not going to happen. I am just so anxious right now that this is what my brain creates. I feel like I need to get it out so that way I am no longer giving it power but on the other hand I also feel like I have to honor these feelings no matter how irrational they may be. I feel so confused. So many of my fears are opposites. I am afraid something will happen and that it won't at the same time. This doesn't make sense to me. My anxiety just seems to be getting the best of me lately. I try on a daily basis to continue doing the things I enjoy and the things that fill my well. I have noticed in the past these things usually help me get through times like these. Normally I would be painting but I have been wanting to blog lately and I just haven't. I haven't been doing my morning pages either. I have been avoiding any writing for fear of what would come up. There is another fear to add to the list. Ugh!

I passed my exam . . . Now what?

This weekend has been filled with high emotions. On Friday I passed my licensure exam. I have been on such a high and now as I come down I can't help but wonder whats next? I spent the last 5 years of my life working up to this moment and now . . . now I feel a little lost. To be honest it felt like I would never make it. There was always something else that needed to be done. Now there are only a few more steps to take to complete this part of the journey.



A word that comes to my mind is UNKNOWN. That is what I am walking into right now. There are a lot of decisions that need to be made regarding my future and my career. Do I stay or do I go? Whats available within the parameters I want to work in? Its not about the money but I do need to be compensated for my hard work and dedication that I bring to any job whether it was fast food, retail, or counseling. This new part of the journey is scary but its also exciting too.



Lately I have realized that I play small frequently for fear of how big I can become. I am an intelligent, compassionate, and dedicated person and with those qualities anything can get accomplished. I don't know what exactly I am afraid of. . . I do actually, well part of it. I am sure there is more to this picture. I am afraid that no one will like that "big" person that I can be. Rationally I know this is not true, but I have never claimed to be a completely rational person. More will be revealed about this . . .




One thing is for sure, I am willing to stay on this journey of growth and new discoveries. I feel like I have grown so much in the last 5 years and learned so much about myself and who I am personally and as a therapist and I know there is still so much more to learn.

Serenity + Butterflies = Happiness!

Desktop Nexus: Wallpapers > Abstract Wallpapers > 3D and CG Wallpaper

Everybody needs a good cry now and then. I just finished with one that lasted about a half an hour. It started while watching the movie The Vow (I should have known it would happen). I am not even completely sure why it started or why it continued and why it ended. If I had to sit and think about the things going through my mind during the last 30 minutes I would probably end up making a list of about 50 things. I know that lately my heart has been heavy and has been in pain. I know that most of the time I hide it pretty well which is ironic since I am the type of person that wears my emotions on my sleeve. The depth of the level of unhappiness is what has been hidden. There is so much of my life that is up in the air and it is down right frightening to me. I feel like I am living in fear on a daily basis in one aspect or another. Even while writing this blog my mind is racing about all the thoughts I want to get out. Maybe if I just make a list. Lists help put things into perspective right. 1. _____________ 2. _____________ 3. _____________ 4. _____________ 5. _____________ And just like that my mind is blank. I will revisit this another day. For now . . . I am off to bed. (This was from May 27th. It just never posted. I guess I went to bed to quick! LOL)

I realize that this is bothering me more then I thought it was. It might sound silly to you but I have figured it out. . . at least part of it anyway. Today I was told by my place of employment that I needed to remove my nose ring. Now lets make a few things clear. 1. I have had this nose piercing for almost 6 years. 2. I have worked at my current place of employment for almost 10 years . . . You do the math! 3. I have had contact with pretty much every higher up in the company at some point in time during the almost 6 years I have had this in. Ok now that its clear. So why all of a sudden does it need to be removed? So as I keep thinking about this (which is what made me realize its bothering me more then I thought), I realize that its because this nose ring has become part of who I am. Part of my identity. Part of the expression of myself.

Just rambling . . .

I am just sad today. I know that I will experience the up and down of emotions for awhile but I just really don't want to be sad anymore. I do what I can. I talk with my support system, I keep myself busy, I write, I paint . . . I just don't want to be sad. I think part of this sadness is there are some decisions I have to make that I just don't want to. Well lets be real, the decision is made but the execution part is where I am struggling. I know this is part of the lesson I am needing to learn, that couldn't be more clear but . . . it will just bring more sadness. I know that part eventually goes away but going through it, for lack of a better word, sucks! The fact that I am no longer dealing with my feelings with food makes all these emotions that much more intense. I don't have an escape. I want one . . . but I want a healthy one. Sometimes I miss the "numb" feelings I used to have when I didn't have to deal with whatever problem was going on in my life at that time. I don't miss it enough to go back to it but, if I am going to be honest, I do miss it. I figure writing about it helps to externalize it so it won't feel as powerful inside of me. Sometimes I feel, literally feel, the tug on my heart . . . I am just sad.

Tomorrow is just another day . . .

This is something my mom always reminds me of whenever there is something happening on a specific day and it is making me sad. She always tells me that "its just another day and when you wake up the next day it will be over". Well tonight is the opposite because when I wake up tomorrow it will be the day that would have been our 2 year anniversary. I have been trying not to think about it all day, all week actually. I had it written in my planner and now there is just a bunch of scribbles where it was written. I know what was originally there. I wish it was that easy to trick myself. I am glad that I get to go back to work tomorrow (I have been dealing with back issues and was out of work for 4 days . . . a total different story. Lets just say when it rains it pours) so that way I can keep myself busy as to not dwell on this. It was almost something I wasn't even going to write about but I figured if I write about it I can externalize some of the feelings so maybe . . . just maybe tomorrow won't suck as much as I think it might. *sigh*

An Ending . . . A new chapter begins. . .

It only seems fitting that I decided to write this post on the very day that I began this blog 2 years ago. This was not planned.(Maybe some synchronicity??) I guess this is just the right time to share my story. What I have on my mind tonight is Endings. Are endings just new beginnings, a new chapter in the story of life? It really depends on what is ending. The ending I am currently speaking about is the end of my almost 2 year relationship with Jason. Some reading this will be finding out this way and to you I apologize. *sigh* I am not sure I am ready to talk about this but I know I need to for the healing process and now is as good a time as any. Although I am extremely sad and heartbroken, this is the most adult, mature, non drama break up I have ever been through. Its kinda weird really because I have never experienced this before. The breakup was not mutual on my part but it had nothing to do with anything negative. It doesn't make the hurt any less, just different. The main culprit in this was distance. Being in a long distance relationship is extremely challenging and it doesn't offer up the time to work on differences as when you are with someone on a more consistent basis **insert tears here** I know I will be ok. I know at the end of all this we will remain friends, but all that doesn't make the pain any less. I have my good moments and my bad moments but there are more good ones then bad ones. I learned a lot about myself from my relationship with him so I am trying to concentrate on those good aspects. I am trying not to let all the negative thoughts creep in because I know that I did NOTHING wrong. Its tough to reframe negative thoughts but I teach my clients to do it all the time so I know that I know how to. I tell them its a process and takes time and I have to continue to remind myself of the same thing. Just like healing from heartbreak is a process. Its not a fun one that is for sure. . . I can't write anymore right now. I will be back though because I forgot how much I really enjoy blogging. I know this will be one of many creative outlets that will help me through this along with the amazing support system I have. Thank you to all those that have already been there for me and to all those who will in the future. **hugs**